When I am invested in something, I tend to go all in – especially in the beginning. I’ve followed this pattern my entire life as far back as I can remember.
I’m not very good with moderation.
So when I fell for MGLN, it was no surprise to me that I was “all in”. With the benefit of hindsight, I can also see that I was starved for companionship too. That’s not a knock on MGLN – she’s everything I said in previous posts. It’s a statement about my state of mind over the past 6 weeks.
Now that I’ve accepted that we will only be friends, I gained a lot of clarity and peace of mind. One thought that keeps coming is that I really like the man I’ve become, the life I’ve created, and being single.
This past week, I’ve been listening to a podcast called “Solo – The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life” by Dr. Peter McGraw. In the podcast, he speaks to authors, researchers and everyday people who study and/or live unconventional single lives.
Some of the podcast guests are quirky and thoughtful and lead adventurous, interesting lives. Some are rather dull. Sometimes his topics are of no interest to me (trans stuff, pansexuals, multiple partners, open marriages). But I am seeing a pattern emerge among his many guests.
They all seem to lead rich lives and have cultivated a circle of close friends who they rely on for companionship, sex (sometimes), favors, emergencies, intellectual conversations, fun, mutual support etc.
All of them date. Some are in long term monogamous relationships. Many of them have short term casual dating relationships that occasionally develop into friendships or longer term romance.
Most interesting is that they don’t expect one person (their spouse/lover/partner/significant other) to fulfill all of their needs. Instead, they have different needs fulfilled by different friends. (This includes the “need” to be of service and to help their friends too).
They offer a perspective I never really considered before: How to Live Successfully and Happily By Intentionally Choosing To Remain Single.
If nothing else, my friendship with MGLN, my entry into online dating and this podcast have helped me to feel better about not chasing marriage or a committed relationship with urgency.
I don’t have to do this with my usual Full Throttle Intensity.
And with that, I am enjoying easing back into dating. My friendship with MGLN has room to develop without me pining away for her. My use of online dating apps is not all-consuming or frustrating. I check in, quickly accept/reject any new prospects, reply to chats and log out.
As I mentioned before, I do feel the need to broaden my social circle of friends. The dating apps might become part of this. My friendship with MGLN is part of this. Staying in touch with Atif is part of this. Getting out in the real world (after this omicron surge) will be part of this.
I’d like to have a few more close friends to add to my circle. Someone to walk with sometimes. Someone to throw a Frisbee to. Someone to meet for dinner or call occasionally. Someone who can call me if they need an extra hand or a ride to the hospital and vice versa.
I’d like to have a girlfriend – for some of the above and for romance, sex, partnership and love.
But I’ll take it slowly. I’m in no rush for once in my life.
With no self imposed timeline to find “the one”, I suspect I will be more relaxed and able to enjoy the entire process.
With any luck, I’ll make some new friends, date some intriguing women and will have more good people in my life.
Time will tell.