I’ve been using the Internet since the days of AOL chat rooms. When I first started, I had a blast in the chat rooms. I chatted with people from all over the country. Generally, it seemed like most of us honestly represented ourselves. Many of us were tech people, teachers and engineers. We talked about things like music, activities, the places we lived, travel, our families etc. I liked to drink beer or wine on Friday nights and catch up with the regulars in the TGIF chatroom for an hour or so.
I became a fan of niche forums too. I participated in early retirement forums, home repair forums, relocation forums, money forums, tech forums and many others. I still do today.
None of these online “relationships” I made turned into real-life ones. I have a full life and had little interest in meeting strangers from the Internet. Nonetheless, these relationships were fulfilling and rewarding for what they were.
Today, I participate in far fewer online social activity. I follow a few forums regularly. More often, I visit niche forums to learn and then stop participating once I find the info I was seeking. Examples would include the FitFreak forum (when I was shopping for a Honda Fit) and the Drummer forum (when I was shopping for gear and looking for books).
I’m not looking for “friends” online. Because they are not real.
This week, after the mass shooting, I visited two local Raleigh forums and our local news sites to learn more. Two things stood out from the time I spent in these forums:
- People were quick to judge the shooters parents and to proclaim what “they should have been aware of and should have done.”
- Many people offered statements of sympathy online.
I did not post any messages of sympathy. Because I don’t know the victims or their families.
I feel terrible for them. So much so, that after the first two days, I had to stop looking at anything online about the shooting. It makes me feel so sad for everyone involved.
I imagine that many of the people offering statements of sympathy are being genuine with their condolences. I’m equally confident that many offer these because “it’s the right thing to do”.
But there is something insincere, perforative and pandering about it too. A random stargazer online offering a banal statement of sympathy to another stranger. How meaningful is that?
Perhaps I’m jaded.
Maybe I’m wrong to judge.
It won’t be the first time.
But I’m not offering generic online sympathy token gestures to strangers. I will offer them if we share something in common – if we’re neighbors, if I have had a similar experience, if I knew the victim or the survivors.
Again, I could be wrong here. When I question my behavior, my default is to do whatever seems kind (and meaningful).
That, for me, is a step in the right direction.