In school, I hated when we had team projects because nobody on my team would work the way I did. I always ended up having to work more to carry them and cover what I considered their mediocre, half-assed efforts.
In gym class, I was never the “team captain”. I was a fat, un-athletic kid who had never learned to play any ball sports well. Thankfully I was never picked absolutely last because my classmates liked me enough not to tag me as the world’s biggest loser who nobody wanted other team.
In third grade, I was talked into joining cub scouts and baseball by my friend’s father (who was both the scout leader and the baseball coach). Scouts was fun and when we had meetings at his house, his wife would bring home donuts from the bakery where she worked. I loved that. But I dropped out of scouts after a few months because there was no way I could come up with the money for scouting trips, camps, gear etc.
Baseball was a nightmare. I hated baseball. I could’t catch, throw or hit the ball. The pitchers in our league threw so hard it hurt to try to catch the ball. I was assigned to no man’s land in left field where I silently prayed the ball would never be hit to me so I didn’t look like a complete loser. The few balls that came my way were never caught or stopped before passing me by. I got on base one time when the giant opposing pitcher beaned me in the head. But, other than me, our team was good. Anytime we won, the coach would take us to Dairy Delight for ice cream after the game. We won a lot and I loved free ice cream. I think I lasted half the season before I quit.
The last team I joined was the wrestling team in college. I definitely did not fit in there.
So it is amusing that on all of my work evaluations throughout my career, I’ve been commended for being a “team player”. I even thought of myself as team player.
It’s because I didn’t screw over my coworkers. Instead I tried to help them. I also tried to do what I thought was “good” for the company. Oftentimes that meant I might make less money, or work unpaid overtime, or go the extra mile.
When I was a manager, I liked when my people did well, so I’d do a lot to help them succeed.
I like to cooperate. I like to collaborate. I like to mentor people.
Was I a good team player? Maybe.
What I am certain about is that I was a good manager and a good colleague.
I’m naturally oriented this way. I like to make my own decision, be responsible for my work and chase intrinsic goals that I determine.
I write all this because I’ve been thinking about my single life and how socially isolated I’ve been since my wife died.
I could blame it on grief. That certainly was part of it – especially during my road trip and when I started to rebuild my life.
I could blame it on the Covid pandemic. The impacts of covid and social distancing still affect me.
But lately I’ve realized it’s really just me.
I’m not a team player.