My life was going great until late in 2021. Everyday followed a well designed structure that maximized my productivity, learning and fulfillment while minimizing any complications or distractions. After three years of being single, I’d finally mastered bachelorhood.
It was fantastic, I thought. So much so that I doubted I would ever want to be involved in a relationship with a woman again. I had grown quite ambivalent about it. Nightmarish stories from my friends of finding second loves and seeking romance through online dating were even more of a deterrence.
Then, through a twist of fate, I met her and we had what I thought was going to be a date. It wasn’t apparently.
Nonetheless, that evening was followed by several more over the next few weeks and something inside of me was awakened.
I didn’t even realize what I had been missing.
I miss having a companion to cherish, love and adore. I miss being loved back. I miss the casual conversations. I miss making dinner together. I miss long walks holding hands in the park. I miss laughing at our inside jokes and making fun of the neighbors. I miss going to bed thinking of her and waking up thinking of her. I miss intimacy. I miss touching. I miss thinking of the hundred little ways I can make her life better. I miss everything about being in love.
Do I still miss my wife? It’s hard to explain. I have many fond memories and sweet remiscences of our lives together. But I don’t miss her. She’s gone. She was a part of my history and always will be. I believe that some of the best of what’s in me today came from my relationship with her.
One of the last things she said to me was, “I want you to do whatever you need to do to be happy.”
So now, I am dating once again after 32 years.
It’s so different and I’m so far removed from dating, that it’s all new to me.
I no longer work, go to clubs, go to school or have a large group of friends. All of those options for meeting potential dates are gone. So I’m trying 3 approaches.
- Online dating is what it is. I’ve heard all of the complaints. I choose to view it as a “blind date” introduction and screening tool and nothing more. Instead of being setup by colleagues, friends and classmates, I now rely on online dating services to make that initial screening and introduction. It’s not necessarily better or worse. Just different.
- I’m going old-school and asking people to set me up.
- I’m planning to introduce myself to strangers.
All of these have introduced a level of frustration and angst to my normally placid, content life. I can only imagine that will ramp up when I go on some bad dates or when things don’t go my way.
It’s all self-inflicted.
I could revert to my satisfied bachelor’s life any time I want. I’m not even close to giving up that easily. I’ve just gotten started.
So I’ll plow forward and live with the inconveniences and frustrations.