One day, I was seeking advice from a wiser man on dealing with my sister with whom I had a bad relationship.
He asked for examples and I had plenty:
- She tortured me as a kid.
- She tried to have her boyfriend beat me up.
- She lied, cheated and stole from me.
- She always hated me.
- And so on.
Then he asked me if there were any reasons why we had a bad relationship now since we were adults whose childhoods were long past.
That’s when I unloaded with one of my biggest resentments.
As an adult, I had helped her move many times. I even dragged my friends into helping. Not once did she show appreciation. In fact, she often made the process more difficult by arguing with me during the move!
He asked me, “Why did you continue to help her move?”
I replied, “Because I’m her brother.”
“Why else? Did you do it because you wanted to? Do you do it because you cared about her?” he asked.
I said, “No. I did it because that’s what a good brother is supposed to do and I resented every minute of it.”
He said. “So you never helped your sister move because you cared about her. You only helped her because you wanted to be able to say you were a good brother. You think you were doing a good thing, but you weren’t. You were just begrudgingly shlepping furniture. No wonder she wasn’t grateful.”
I said, “She didn’t know what I was thinking. I never said anything to her about it.”
That’s when he hit me with a stunner,
“She knows what you think anyway. You don’t have to say it. ”
I never thought of that. It never occurred to me that this might be true.
But somehow I knew he was right.
People know what I think even if I don’t explicitly say it.
If I’m resentful, bitter or disingenuous, it’s evident no matter what I say. There’s no point trying to disguise it.
Knowing this improved my ability to sell, to manage people and to be comfortable with my own actions.
It allowed me to come to terms with my relationship with my sister. We’re not close and likely never will be.
But at least we don’t have to pretend things are any different.