This morning Wiggles and Sparkles were lying on the back of the sofa soaking up the sun coming in through the side window. They take great pleasure in sun bathing – in all seasons.
As I looked at them and thought “how cute!”, I was reminded of the last time my wife joined me to walk Snickers in the park. My wife had been suffering from so much pain and exhaustion due to cancer and treatments that she hadn’t been able to get our of bed, much less walk with us for weeks.
But that afternoon, when I said I was taking Snickers to the park, Ellen said, “I’d like to come with you.”
I was thrilled. I missed walking with her. I missed holding her hand and talking about the day. I missed how we would talk about the swans, clouds, turtles and ducklings.
My wife couldn’t walk. She wanted to and really tried.
So I helped my wife out of the car. She held my arm and used her cane to take a few steps. Then she stopped and said, “Honey…you go walk Snickers without me. I can’t go any further.”
I told her we would would stay with her and keep her company. Snickers and I could walk later.
Ellen closed her eyes, took a deep breath, lifted her face up into the evening sun and said, “That sun feels wonderful.”
She stood like that, gently swaying with a small smile on her face as she felt the warmth on her skin for the first time in months.
That was the last time I saw my wife have a moment of peace and pleasure. It was a wonderful moment and at the same time a heartbreaking one.
She was dying.
I didn’t realize that was going to be her last “good moment”. I was just happy she was able to have a good moment and that I was there to share it with her.
So as I looked at Wiggles and Sparkles enjoying the sun today, I smiled at first. Then I felt sad, thinking about my wife who died 6 years ago and then thinking about my little Sunshine puppy who died two years ago.
I miss them both. They are on my mind almost everyday. They were wonderful and I was lucky to have them in my life.
I wish they were still here with me.
