Ever since my wife was diagnosed with lung cancer, our lives have been filled with waiting.
Waiting for the next doctor’s appointment to order the next step.
Waiting for the next scan to be scheduled.
Waiting for the test results.
Waiting for treatment to begin.
Waiting to see improvements.
Waiting for her pain to get better.
Waiting for the side effects to subside.
Waiting for insurance authorizations.
Waiting in traffic.
Waiting for labs.
Most of all we’ve been waiting to see her suffering reduced and for her to get better.
That would make all the waiting seem worthwhile.
But it’s not happening.
Now we are waiting for her to die.
Nothing we’ve done in the past 8 months has slowed down the spread of her cancer.
She’s had little relief from her pain.
We’ve decided against a “last ditch” immunotherapy that may or may not give her a little more time, but will come with plenty of bad side effects and miserable days.
We’re delaying more radiation for a week so she can use that time to say goodbye to her brother and sister who are coming in from out of town.
We’re considering hospice and cancelling any additional treatment.
Zack and I are spending as much time as possible keeping her company.
When we’re not by her side, I exercise like a madman to keep my grief at bay and Zack works like one.
I remember all the times in our lives we were waiting for good things to happen:
- Our first real date, when I got lost and arrived 2 hours late.
- Buying our first house.
- Moving to Florida the first time (and the 2nd and the 3rd!)
- Our wedding day.
- Seeing the kids after a long absence.
- Going on vacation.
- Seeing each other after a work trip.
Even waiting to just be together after a long day apart.
Well those days are over and will never return.
I miss my wife already. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss the way her eyes lit up when I came into the room.
I wish I could do more. I wish I could make her better. I wish I could ease her suffering.
Today it feels like nothing will ever be worth waiting for again.