Sometimes I want to wallow in self-pity and victimhood.
When I feel this way, I know what to do. I keep moving forward. Usually, within a few minutes or a few hours, I feel better.
But there are days when that bad feeling is inescapable. I had one of these a few weeks ago:
- My 2nd hernia kept popping out and I knew I’d need to have surgery. The night before I binged on cheese which gave me a headache all night, ruined my sleep and left me bloated and lethargic.
- It was Sunday so the pool opened late, screwing up my schedule.
- The Covid-19 delta variant was reportedly running rampant and hospitals were being overwhelmed (untrue in my area). I worried that it would delay my surgery.
- Prices at the grocery store and gas pump were rising.
- There were news reports of an impending market crash and out-of-control inflation.
So what did I do?
I plowed forward and tried to ignore the feelings of dread.
But they didn’t subside.
So I called my Mom, told her I was feeling sorry for myself and needed to complain. For the next half hour, I whined while she listed patiently (or gave me the “uh-huh” treatment while playing solitaire on her phone).
By the end of the call, I had worked out a solution for each one of my problems.
My self-pity was gone. It was replaced with a plan of action.
There are times when I get calls like this from my friends.
When I was working, I had many conversations like this with my coworkers.
Most times neither wanted to work toward a solution for their problems. They did not want to take action. They wanted someone to commiserate with. They wanted a fairy tale solution to be handed to them. They wanted to wallow in self-pity.
Here’s how I could tell.
- Whenever I tried to propose any action, they’d cut me off and tell me why it wouldn’t work.
- They would be stuck in a loop – repeating the same complaint over and over again.
- The problem was always someone else’s fault (my mother, my boss, my wife, etc.).
- They refused to accept the “Is-ness” of the situation.
- They wouldn’t take ownership of solving their problems.
Commiseration and wallowing in self-pity are overrated. Like ice cream or booze, they deliver a short burst of satisfaction, but leave you unsatisfied, sleep disturbed and hungover the next day.
If you want to commiserate, I get it
. You’ll find plenty of people willing to join you.Just not here.
Man up.
Plow forward.