During the past month, I’ve been fully immersed in my “house project” – buying furniture and painting it, putting new floors, making repairs, painting and decorating.
I’ve established routines for eating, sleeping, reading, shopping, walking the dog, walking to friends and exercising.
I even started lap swimming again.
I have a neat and organized life.
My belongings are organized and put away. My shopping frenzy to outfit the house is over.
I don’t need any more clothes. I don’t need appliances. My repairs are completed.
I met some neighbors. I made friends across the street with a cool couple and went to a cookout with them. My next door neighbor who’s from Pittsburgh is giving me homemade pierogis the next time she makes a batch.
Snickers and I do daily “nature” walks in the neighborhood. We see deer, bunnies and other dog walkers as we walk our tree lined streets and local parks. She and I both like this even more than our remote hiking we did when we lived off grid.
I am alone most of the time.
I miss my wife everyday. Some days are harder than others. I miss her smile. I miss talking to her. I miss taking care of her. I miss thinking about her. I miss holding her.
I miss her.
I do not feel lonely for anyone else.
- I thought I would join meetups so I would make friends. I have not.
- I thought I would force myself to be outgoing and befriend a bunch of neighbors. I have not.
- I thought I might need to get a job in an office just so I had regular human contact. I shudder at the thought of returning to a FT office job.
- I thought I would volunteer somewhere just to meet people. I have not.
I cannot imagine dating anyone. I notice attractive women at the grocery store, the park and the pool. I notice when a woman smiles at me or is sweet. I’ve even gotten into the habit of checking for wedding rings and thinking about them afterward.
But I am not lonely enough to do anything more.
Plus, these women are not Ellen. I miss her.
I have zero interest in making room in my life for a girlfriend.
I’ve had a girlfriend or wife for most of my life ever since I was 16. They were always the center of my universe and the core of my social life.
It would be nice to have someone to share dinner with with occasionally and for sex, but I’m doing pretty good on my own right now.
I suppose I’m apathetic. Perhaps that will change. Or perhaps, I’ll remain alone for the rest of my life. Any girlfriend would be (unfairly) compared to Ellen. She’d also need to be smart, attractive, independent, self-sufficient, a health nut, and so on.
I wonder if anyone like that would have room for me in her life. She might be just like me – unwilling to make compromises or give up her freedom for a relationship.
I think I would like to have more face to face friendships and maybe even a girlfriend some day.
Maybe one day I’ll even do something about it.
For now, my life alone seems fine just the way it is.
