Since I began dating in December of last year, I’ve met (and dated) five different women. All of these dates began with via chatting through an online dating app then meeting face-to-face to see if we felt a connection.
In chatting and texting before meeting, I felt a connection with each woman. They were all charming, articulate and witty. We shared common interests and values. We flirted. We made each other laugh.
When we met in person, that text based connection didn’t always carry over into real life. In three cases, one (or both) of us didn’t feel enough of a connection to have a second date. We parted amicably.
With two women, I had several dates before realizing we were looking for different things. I am looking for a committed, romantic relationship. My two dates were looking for something casual and non-committed. I wasn’t expecting that.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
- Pictures, dating profiles and texting provide only a glimpse of a person. Expecting the dating apps to offer anything more is asking too much. An hour over coffee with a person is a much better way to get to know someone and determine if we both feel enough of a connection to date.
- I am looking for a committed relationship and will be stating this up front. I want a girlfriend/partner and am not interested in casually dating someone.
- With every woman, I felt a little wistful saying goodbye. Whether we knew each other for a few days or a few weeks, we did have a connection.
- I am a romantic. I like holding hands. I love when my heart races. If I like someone, she will know it through my words and actions. I want to spend time with her – laughing, talking, dating, walking, listening to music, touching, cooking and just being present.
- The women I dated the longest told me I was intense. When I asked her for details she said, “You wear your heart on your sleeve and put your feelings right out there.” She wasn’t being critical and I wasn’t the least bit offended. I totally agree with her.
So last night I broke it off with TMF. I had dated her the longest and felt the most intensely about her. We connected in many ways.
But she has no interest in a committed relationship and I do. She’s carved out a happy life for herself dating multiple people without commitment.
I won’t do that. I’m not interested in being in a part-time, casual relationship.
And so, we agreed it wasn’t going to work. She told me I should date a lot of different women so I can find the “best one” for me. That’s not my way. If I like someone and she likes me, I see no reason to continue “testing the waters” or “looking for someone better“. I’d rather commit, build a relationship and see if love develops.
I can’t proclaim that my way is better than TMF’s. It’s just my way.
It made me a little sad to say goodbye to TMF. She said, “We can still be friends“. I told her I wasn’t sure I wanted to or could do that. I wasn’t looking for her to be only a friend.
My friends and I are committed to each other in a way that’s different. And we’re not romantic.
So she smiled and said, “Well, how about friendly then?”
That I can do.
I thanked her for being sweet. I thanked her dating me and making my day for several weeks. I wished her the best. Then I said goodbye.
With every woman I dated, I gave a little piece of my heart away. I gave it away willing and will do so again.
I hope they felt at least a glimmer of the love, the kindness and the dreams that I had for us together.
I hope they all find what they are looking for and that I do too.