This is my second post inspired by reading the book, “Being Mortal”. The author researched long-term care facility practices, spoke to adult children who were placing their parents in them, heard stories from other children who cared for their elderly parent at home and spoke to the parents themselves.
The primary goal of the adult children was to make sure their elderly parent was safe – from malnutrition, injury, wandering off, accidents, etc. The primary goal of the parent was to maintain independence and autonomy as much as they could possibly manage so that they could enjoy their life.
These clash.
Safety is provided by restriction – take away the car keys, 24/7 monitoring, aides and nurses controlling when the elderly person gets up, gets dressed, goes to the bathroom, eats, etc.
The elderly person wanted to dress herself. She wanted to eat cookies, smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. She wanted to have her little dog in her room, use the bathroom when wanted and control her schedule. Shr wanted privacy. She wanted to choose how she would live – just like she had been doing her entire adult life.
All of those things were taken away from her to keep her “safe”.
Eventually, the elderly person gives up. There is no joy left in living. And then, inevitably, her health declines until she dies.
The cruel irony is that she is going to die anyway. The only difference is her quality of life in the days, weeks and months before she dies.
This has made me reconsider my mother’s situation. I believe she is not “safe” in her home due to her limited mobility, poor physical condition and her hoarding. For the past 20 years, I’ve been expecting to get the call that she’s fallen down and broke her hip. I don’t know how she manages to walk around her home with the garbage strewn everywhere.
But she does. And she has been doing this for more than 3 decades.
My mother smokes. My sister is adamant about getting her to quit. I don’t even try. I gave up trying to convince my mother to quit when I was a child. I never even tried with my wife. It’s a losing battle.
My mother stopped driving a few weeks ago after she totaled her car. I have suspicions that she may get another car. She’s had a number of mostly minor accidents over the years that demonstrate to me that she shouldn’t be driving but I’m not sure she’s convinced.
I tried to persuade my mother years ago to sell her home and move into an apartment because she was physically unable to maintain her home. I explained how her life would be easier. She absolutely refused.
“Being Mortal” had made me reconsider.
I was wrong.
It’s not my job to keep my mother safe. Nor has she asked for me to help with it. Nor does she want it if it means that I control her life.
She wants to hoard. She wants to eat junk food and spend her days laying in bed or her easy chair watching videos, browsing Facebook and shopping online.
She likes sitting outside with her dog and chatting with the neighbors. She enjoys going out to eat with her friends occasionally and visiting her grandson.
She doesn’t care that her house is not safe. She would rather be there than anywhere else.
She doesn’t want anyone else telling her how she should live.
I don’t blame her.
I am exactly the same way.
I do things that aren’t safe all the time. I make choices for myself that are suboptimal for life, longevity and health.
How I live is my choice.
I live a different life than my mother. I have a different end-of-life plan too. These are my choices to make just like hers are her choices.
How my mother lives out her remaining time is up to her. I am going to lean hard into that principle as her health deteriorates and she becomes unable to care for herself.