I am reading The Lonely Hunter, a memoir by Aimee Lutkin. I heard her on a podcast recently and then coincidentally happenned to stumble upon her book at the library. She tells the story of her single life up to her early 30s. She writes about growing up poor with a single mother in New York City. She writes about friends, relationships, college and work. She writes about having a seemingly full life, but questioning whether she is “missing out” because she’s not coupled up.
So far, it’s been a good read. She has given me things to think about.
The author and I led vastly different lives. That’s no surprise given our different backgrounds, ages and personalities.
One thing that struck me was when she wrote about being in her 30s, getting her first full-time job with benefits that paid decently. Shortly afterward she rented her own apartment for the first time in her life. Prior to this, she had worked a bunch of part-time jobs including waiter, fact checker, after school teacher, theater admin, and bookstore clerk. She had lived in what she called “cooperative/commune style arrangements” where many people shared a house together and divvied up the rent, common spaces, chores, etc. (Basically like college kids often do). After 1.5 years she quit the full-time job because she didn’t get a promotion she wanted and became a freelance writer.
She wrote about not knowing how to work with a realtor, manage her money or evaluate the lease. At 31 years old.
I could not imagine being like this.
By the time I was 31, I was working my up the career ladder in tech sales after having my own fair share of McJobs. I was an early empty nester. I was married and had been living as a husband/stepfather for 10 years.
As I pondered this during my pre-dawn dog walk, I realized that I have always been responsible for myself.
I distinctly remember toilet training myself when I was around 2.5 years old. My older sister and her friend used the toilet instead of diapers so I decided that’s what I would do to.
I remember doing my own laundry, feeding the dog, getting myself up for school. At 5.
I remember being told I was the “man of the house now” after my parents divorced and taking this seriously. (That was not good. I was a scared child.)
I remember lobbying two different schools to let me test into their gifted programs (in 5th grade and in 8th grade).
I remember mowing lawns at 14 and budgeting my cash for movies, McDonald’s and bus fare.
I cannot recall a time in my life when I wasn’t responsible for myself.
I used to think I was resilient and responsible because I had no other choice, given how I was raised. I’m sure that’s part of it.
But reading this book made me realize I’m also wired this way. I’m glad I am. It’s enabled me to have a better life than my parents, my peers and many other people I know. It’s given me autonomy, freedom and self-confidence.
I am about half-way through “The Lonely Hunter” and looking forward to reading the rest of it. I have a feeling there will be much where I think, “I cannot relate”.
Except for a few rare occasions, I have never been lonely.