Twenty years ago when I went to AA meetings, people who were talking about having issues with their family members (or other AA members) would sometimes say “I’m not going to co-sign their bullshit.”
It’s a saying that has stuck with me for all these years because it intuitively makes so much sense to me.
A recent example has come up with my mother and sister. My mother, as I expected, started smoking within 1 week of totaling her car and having several weeks of a health crisis/dementia scare. Then, about 5 weeks later, she bought a car.
I understand why she did both. Personally, I wouldn’t have advised her to do either. She knows what I think. Besides she didn’t ask for, nor does she want my opinion. I accepted long ago that my mother is going to do what she wants, when she wants. It’s her choice and her responsibility.
I totally expected both of these. I also expect she will continue to live in ways I never would. I never expected her to change her behaviors because of a car accident, a decline in health and a health crisis.
My sister did. Or maybe she hoped it would happen. Or she gave an ultimatum. Or she’s frustrated and fed up.
I get that too. I gave up on trying to change my mother long ago.
But here’s the thing – I’m not getting in the middle of this with either of them. The things they both say to me about each other are mean spirited at best, and often off-putting and appalling. Yesterday, it occurred to me that if that’s how they talk to me about each other, they are likely saying similar things about me behind my back.
And guess what? I don’t care.
I refuse to allow myself to get sucked into their sniping, guilt trips and passive-aggressive games. I have no side to take here but my own side.
This morning I was thinking about how grateful I am that I had my Aunt Es, my Uncle Bob and other elderly relatives who nurtured and loved me when I was little. Even more, I was so fortunate to meet Ellen and be part of a loving family as a grown man.
I know how great family can be. I’ve had it twice in my life.
Just not this one – for me.
