Six months after my stepdaughter died, I was still grieving and my wife was incredibly sad all the time. After hearing about Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who had lost a child, I convinced my wife we should attend a meeting.
It was awful.
We sat on folding chairs in a circle with about 12 other parents. After some opening comments from the group moderator, we went around the circle, introduced ourselves and talked about how our child had died.
It was heartbreakingly sad. One child had been electrocuted by a faulty appliance. Another died from cancer. Two overdosed. One died in a car accident. Many of the parents broke down in gut wrenching sobs as they retold their stories.
We never went back.
A year later, still searching for a way to bring the smile back to my wife’s face, I found another bereavement support group and convinced my wife to join me there. When we arrived there were cookies, coffee and a dozen elderly Jewish widows who all knew each other. They were sweet to us and kept saying, “At least you have each other” to me and my wife. It was another community of sad people.
We left as soon as possible, never returning.
In time (years), my grief subsided and my wife was able to smile once again.
After my wife died 3 years ago, I knew I wasn’t going to be attending any support groups. Nor was I going to therapy. Talking about how sad I felt or being around others sharing their grief wasn’t going to help. I knew that the only thing that might help was time. That, and not killing myself.
So I went on the road.
Having lived alone now as a single man for 3 years, I am thriving. I’ve lived through the grieving process. I’ve built a new life. I’m centered, well adjusted and happy.
But I am ready for a girlfriend, so I’ve begun dating.
The last time I dated was 32 years ago. I have a lot to learn.
In preparation, I’ve read books and perused blogs. I’ve gotten advice from friends who are dating veterans. I’ve listed to dozens of podcasts (unfortunately most are focused on 20-30 something women). I’ve scoured the internet, in vain, for relevant tips and advice.
I’ve also tried to listen to podcasts and participate in forums focused on widows/widowers dating. But I can’t get past the first few minutes of them. These all focus on grieving, sadness and loss. Once again, they are communities of sadness.
I am not sad. I’m no longer grieving. I don’t belong in these communities.
As Lee Haney used to say, “There’s nothing to it but to do it.”
And so I continue to make my forward, stumbling through some awkward dates, wearing my heart on my sleeve, questioning myself, and occasionally, having a good time.
Onward.