My friend, who has never been married, is looking for a wife. Last year, when he asked for my advice on how to have a long married, I said needed to be willing to make compromises.
Since he’s been a lifelong bachelor, he’s always done whatever he wanted. He worked when and where he wanted. His social life, meals, weekends and activities were all self directed. His house was run “his way”. And so on.
When I began dating this year, I thought I wanted to be in a long term committed relationship. If not marriage, then something really close to it.
After all, I’d been married for 29 years. I know what that requires. Other than dating my high school and college girlfriends, it’s all I knew.
After a few months of dating, I realized that I don’t want to be in a long term committed marriage-like relationship.
I’m not willing to sacrifice the life I have today. I don’t want to make compromises. I’m not prepared to give up the things I enjoy for the “possibility” of love.
This first became evident after dating a few women. My “center” was off. My schedule was upended, with dates interrupting my normal predictable routine.
I was spending time in places I had no interest in being in like coffee shops, and fancy restaurants. I was driving up to 30 miles to meet for a date-interview. I was being ultra flexible with my schedule, while many of my dates seemed to be squeezing me in whenever it was most convenient for them.
I was being combinative, solicitous and flirty. Most of my dates were much less responsive and engaged.
My dogs were agitated.
My sleep schedule was upset.
And I wasn’t having fun.
So I quit dating.
Maybe I’ll change my mind if I meet someone, build a connection in real life and we are mutually attracted to each other.
But, if not, I can envision being single for the rest of my life. And that’s not an unpleasant thought.
My friend recently broke it off with his post recent girlfriend. He wanted a wife. She wanted something entirely different. They made a good effort and genuinely seemed to have some good time, but ultimately were not a longterm match.
He’s on the hunt again.
I’m confident he will find women to date. I hope he finds one who wants the same things he wants.
As for me, I’m not willing to compromise.