What I miss most about having a best male friend, a girlfriend, a wife or a partner, is being co-conspirators.
I miss huddling up in some corner of a crowded room in our own private world – having intense conversations, raucous laughter, whispering off color jokes, speaking our own code words and intimately sharing with only each other.
With a co-conspirator, there was never any sizing each other up. We weren’t worried about trust or security. These were givens. We weren’t afraid of being seen as vulnerable, stupid or needy. We were genuine, authentic and relaxed.
I was lucky. I had this with some of my best friends in grade school and high school. I had this for 4 years with my high school girlfriend Kerrie. I had this with my wife for 29 years. I had this with a handful of special coworkers over the course of my sales career.
But I haven’t had it since my wife died 3 years ago.
It requires having a real life, in person relationship. It requires regular and frequent time spent together. It requires some kind of shared mission – hitting sales goals, raising the kids, building a shed, graduating – all of which require work, effort and sacrifice.
My friends who live far away share this bond with me. But we don’t get to experience often because we are rarely near each other and phone calls, although great, are not a sufficient substitute.
My acquaintances who live nearby enrich my life more than I expected, but we’re not close enough to be conspirators.
The closest I’ve come to this was with TMF. On our first date at a local coffee shop, we sat close together, knees touching as we told each other stories and laughed and enjoyed each other’s company until the staff kicked us out at closing time. Then we did it again at the sushi restaurant a few days later when she taught me about sushi and sashimi before getting woozy from too much wine. I drove her home and held her in my arms for hours until she felt well enough to get up and dig into the leftovers later that night.
It was pretty wonderful for me. I suspect it was pretty good for her too.
But ultimately, she didn’t want a committed co-conspirator and I did. So we parted on friendly, but final terms.
I miss having a conspirator and always on the lookout for one. If I never find another one, I’ll bask in my many memories of those I’ve been fortunate enough to know.