Someone who was once a close friend of mine is going to have major surgery to transition from being a man to being a woman.
I’ve known this man for 16 years. We got sober together and were part of a small group of like-minded individuals. My friend was smart, successful and dynamic. We hung out at least once a week. After I left Pittsburgh and relocated to Florida, we maintained a loose connection via occasional phone calls. Once a year, around Christmas, we’d meet for lunch when he was on vacation. His wife usually wife joined us. The three of us would swap stories and laugh for hours.
When my wife had cancer, my friend reached out to me to offer his support. During my lowest spots, we connected a few times by phone and text. At the time, he was focusing on his marriage, his career and taking care of elderly family members.
A few months ago when I heard he was transitioning to become a woman, I was flabbergasted. He never gave me any indication that he wanted to become a woman. In fact, the opposite seemed true.
Since my friend hadn’t told me directly, I decided it was none of my business. Soon after this, I learned his mother had died. I sent him a condolence note. I wasn’t sure whether it was appropriate to address it to Him (old name) or Her (new name he was using). I decided the note wasn’t about that. It’s purpose was to tell my friend I was thinking about him and offer my sympathy for his loss so I addressed it to Him.
After receiving my note, he called me and told me about his transition to become a woman.
We talked for over an hour. He explained what had changed for him (no pun intended), his decision making process and his transition plans.
I’m a good listener. So I listened and didn’t offer my opinion. After all, it’s really none of my business. It also impacts me very little. I haven’t seen my friend in 3 years. I likely will only see him in person if I visit Pittsburgh someday and I haven’t been there in 4 years. We hadn’t even spoken to each other in over a year.
My only caution to him was that after my wife died, I was grieving and not thinking clearly. I made some decisions that I regret. I urged him not to do anything irreversible until he finished grieving his mother’s death. Specifically I said, “Don’t cut anything off hastily” and we laughed.
This is the first person I know who transitioned.
I can’t relate. I’ve never had any desire to to be a woman. I never wanted to dress up like a woman, look like a woman or act like a woman. One thing I am 100% confident in is my identity as a man.
My friend told me this is what he needs to do to be truly happy. He said he still loves his wife and wants to stay married to her. By the time we talked, he had begun taking hormones, dressing as a woman, changed his name and came out to his family, work associates, and friends.
Recently, I’ve learned that my friend has scheduled surgery to fully transition. I was horrified when I imagined what would be involved. I then read about what is actually involved and am now more horrified.
Cutting off body parts grosses me out.
I know that’s not the point and not what his transitioning is about. And yet, I have this visceral reaction, whenever I think about elective, intensive body reconfiguration surgery. (I get the same feeling about facelifts, nose jobs, tummy tucks, and implants).
I thought to myself, would I have surgery if it would give me the ideal body I want? What if I could be permanently muscular, ripped and lean and all I needed was a surgical procedure, money and a period of recovery?
If it was possible, I might do it.
I won’t offer my opinion on transitioning. I don’t know anything about it at all and won’t pretend to understand.
As I told my friend, I’ll call him whatever he wants. I will treat him the same way I always have. And I hope he finds peace, happiness and whatever else he is looking for through this transition.