There are many similarities between dating apps and social media apps.
Both rely on a system of random, meaningless “rewards” (likes, hearts, stars, comments) to entice the user to remain on the app.
Both promise something unrealistic- dates, love, popularity, fame, fortune – in exchange for simply logging in, swiping, clicking, posting a photo or thumbing out a clever comment.
Both are lying.
I wrote about why I don’t use social media here and here. Suffice it to say, my life is immeasurably better because I don’t use social media.
But recently, despite my reservations, I began using two dating apps. I want to meet single women to date. Because I am retired, have a small social circle and my hobbies are all solo activities, I figured dating apps offered me the best opportunity to meet single women.
After two weeks, I’m not so sure that is true.
I questioned my use of these apps after my first few days and even cancelled them. But that was because I thought I was building a relationship with someone at the time.
After that possibility clearly fizzled out, I returned to the apps, updated my profile and began swiping.
But today I realized, I do not enjoy this at all.
First, it is unproductive. I have had one phone conversation, three brief messaging interactions and exactly no dates.
My online dating veteran friend has advised me to “hang in there” because eventually someone will connect with me. He’s been using dating apps for more than a decade.
He said, “You can afford to pay for the premium account- so just pay for it and check it occasionally.”
That sounds reasonable. It just doesn’t work for me.
I begin to wonder, is my profile bad? Am I not handsome enough? Am I too old? Too uncool? Too boring? Not funny enough?
I begin to doubt my self-worth. I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations.
I am judgmental of myself and of the women I am swiping left and right on.
I feel like I need to check in daily “just is case” some random gem stranger pops up so I don’t miss her in my feed.
I suspect that other men are having much more success than I am.
I feel ashamed that I haven’t had a single date and so few “likes”.
I don’t have any of these feelings offline. I’ve successfully established my life as a bachelor after my wife died 3 years ago.
I have a few close friends. I am part of my local community. I have rewarding hobbies, outstanding fitness/health, diverse interests and plenty of challenges every day.
Would I like a girlfriend? Of course I would! Would I like to be married again? Perhaps, some day.
I miss the warm, easy companionship and the love I once had. I miss having someone to care for.
But dating apps aren’t delivering what I miss.
Dating apps don’t improve my paintings my drumming or my swimming times.
Dating apps don’t make me fitter or happier.
They make me feel bad.
In other words, dating apps are just like social media apps to me – worthless.
And so, despite the fact that I dove headfirst into dating apps and have nearly 3 months left on my subscriptions, I think I’m going to delete them tomorrow.
I prefer real life. I can tell if I am attracted to a woman based on eye contact, facial expressions, kindness and personal interactions. She can size me up the same way.
That’s how I met all the woman I’ve loved in my life.
Several friends have said to me, “How will you meet someone, if not online?”
At first, I thought, they’re right. I don’t work. I don’t go to school. I don’t belong to a church or group. I won’t meet anyone unless I go online.
But based on my experience, I’m not meeting anyone online.
So I’ll just have to do the old school thing and reach out to people in real life.
Or be content alone.
I think I’m OK with a little of both.