Over the past 20 years, I’d become quite proficient at job interviews. I’d estimate I was offered a position after interviewing for a job 75% of the time.
I knew exactly what to do to succeed at job interviews. I’d research the company, the position, the industry, the company’s competitors, and the people who would be interviewing me. I’d review my experience to carefully match my strengths to the position. I’d rehearse answers to questions I expected. I had lists of questions to ask my interviewers. My follow up was impeccable.
I know, with certainty, that my interviewing skills enabled me to be hired faster and paid more at several positions.
Last night, after my 2nd date with a woman whom I’ll call The Music Fan (TMF), I realized I had been using my “job interview” approach with dating.
What a putz I’ve been.
You might think this thought would have occurred to me the previous week when I was complaining to a friend that my “first dates” felt like job interviews.
It didn’t.
At the time, I thought I was simply being authentic, honest and open during these first dates. I was. I asked the women I was meeting about their lives, their backgrounds, and their stories. I shared my “history” – marriage, widowhood, step-kids, career, etc. I presented my qualifications as a suitable partner for a relationship.
I might as well have just handed them my resume.
No wonder these dates felt like job interviews – I was behaving like they were!
In retrospect, I feel bad for MGLN and the other women I dated this past month. I may have been honest, kind and sweet – but I doubt I was much fun.
When TMF agreed to meet me for coffee I decided to try something different. She was the only woman who made me burst into laughter from our first online chat. I decided not to tell her my “entire life story” on the first date. I also decided not to interrogate her on what she was looking for in a relationship and her deepest thoughts about life.
Instead, I made a conscious effort to keep things light, have fun and laugh as much as possible when we first met.
So I asked her about music. I told her about my dogs. We talked about moving, running, food and people. We laughed a bunch. Two hours rolled by in what seemed liked minutes. I told her I wanted to see her again and she agreed to dinner! She gave me a big hug when we parted.
It didn’t feel like a job interview. It felt like a first date (or more accurately, a first introduction). Except this time, it was fun.
And I felt that spark from the moment I saw her. She made my heart race.
So yesterday, a few days before our dinner date, I invited TMF to join me for a walk in the park. We strolled around the lake and hung out with our dogs while we talked for a few hours. I learned more about her. She learned more about me.
I didn’t hide anything, but I tried not to bore her with every excruciating serious detail of my past. Nobody cares about all those details – not even me.
We laughed a lot. We met each other’s dogs. I got to see how sweet and patient she was with my shy puppy while I got lovingly smushed and covered in hair by her sweet old boy. We shared a few old photos and swapped stories about what we liked to do.
I’m not sure if TMF knows it, but just by being herself she’s teaching me how to date, how to have fun on a date, and how to get to know her.
I assumed this would all come naturally to me since I’ve dated plenty of women, have years of experience as a husband, and am a thoughtful, good guy. But I was wrong. The reality is that I am totally out of practice when it comes to dating.
But I’m learning.
Last night on my way home I called my friend, the bachelor, to talk about TMF. I told him about her smile, my heart racing, and how she let me know I was coming across as quite intense. I told him how much I liked her. I rambled on about the thoughts and emotions that were coursing through me.
He listened, asked questions and gave me some advice.
My friend pointed out that TMF obviously recognizes that I’m clumsy at this and is gently guiding me.
He said that dating requires building trust and that this will take time. He didn’t say it, but I realized that building trust is something I’ve largely forgotten.
I’ve taken for granted that people who know me know my character. They know I’m an honest, authentic, trustworthy man. Most of my relationships have been so well established that I haven’t needed to earn someone’s trust in a long time.
Well, now I do. And that will take time and patience – two of my least favorite things.
But I have a feeling it will be worth it.