I always knew that one day I would be married. Even when I was a little kid and my Aunt Essie taught me to cook while saying “You’re going to be a great bachelor someday“, I fully expected I would have a wife and kids.
That family prediction came true for me. It was not exactly how I imagined it would be, but it came true nonetheless.
My wife and I lived together for 10 years before she finally relented and married me. She said getting married was not important to her. She had already been married once and had the big family wedding, the white dress, the tuxedos, the cake etc. By the time I met her 15 years year later, she no longer felt marriage was meaningful. She would say, “I love you and you love me”, being married wouldn’t change that. She also said she didn’t want to ruin my life because someday she would be old and I would be trapped with an old woman, even though I was still young.
I always laughed that concern off saying, “Nobody will care when you’re 100 and I’m 80”.
I, on the other hand, wanted to be married. I wanted her to my wife, not just my girlfriend. I wanted permanence, commitment and the same last name.
By the time we got married, I no longer wanted to have children. We had raised her two children together (my step kids) and had become empty nesters. I loved that the kids were out of the house. We had some good times and some bad times. The worst was yet to come – I just didn’t know it at the time.
So we had a small wedding in our backyard. We invited our immediate family and a handful of our best friends. Our yard was an oasis. It was late June. The flowers my wife planted were in full bloom. We had a waterfall that fed into a pond on the patio where the ceremony was performed. It was warm and sunny.
My wife wore a simple white dress. I wore my best business casual/dressy outfit. My friend, an amateur photographer, took photos.
We ate Chinese food from our favorite restaurant and drank wine, vodka and tequila with our guests. Both stepkids were there and spent time with their family, friends and cousins.
It was a blast. Simple. Easy and enjoyable for all.
The next day, everyone was invited to join us in a huge house we rented at Deep Creek Lake. I think about 10 people made the hour long drive. We had a big cookout, rented a boat, hung out and enjoy a few days together.
Then everyone left and my wife and I had the 2nd half of the week all to ourselves.
I think the total cost of the wedding was under $5K. The house rental was $3K of that. $2K covered our outfits, the food, the booze, flights for the step kids and all miscellaneous expenses.
There was no gift registry. We didn’t want any gifts, but the ones we received were still thoughtful and meaningful.
Today, when I hear about destination weddings or extravagant wedding celebrations that cost $25K, $50K, $100K or more, I think “Are you f***ing nuts?“
I’m told that women have the “dream wedding fantasy” and often drive this. I do not know if that is true.
But what I know is that $25K + is a downpayment on a house. And I know that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
And now I also know that, like my wife said, being married really doesn’t matter that much. Commitment, love and support are what matters.
At the time, we needed it so I could get her on my health insurance. Today, many companies offer coverage for domestic partners. Legally, being married makes some things easier like estate planning, power of attorney etc. But all of those things can be handled in other ways with minimal cost and effort.
The most fun weddings I’ve attended (other than my own), were held in my local town. The couple rented a church hall or fire hall. They got married in a church (or in the hall itself). Friends and family helped with decorations, setup, food prep and cleanup.
If parents helped pay for the wedding, it was usually a few hundred or thousand bucks for booze and food.
Then afterward, the couple drove away, in their car, for a week long honeymoon somewhere affordable.
I was invited to one destination wedding a few years ago by someone who worked for me. It was a sweet gesture on her part to include me.
I told her I was thrilled for her. I was happy she was finally getting married and having the “wedding of her dreams”. But there was no way I would be attending.
I knew my attendance wasn’t part of her dream wedding vision. Instead, I sent her a heartfelt letter and some cash.
To help towards the $50K she was putting towards the wedding.
Ugh.