Many years ago I went to a book signing by one of my favorite authors, Robert B. Parker. It was held in the Mystery Lover’s Bookstore and was really cool. Parker sat at a table and spoke to us for half an hour about his life, his career, his characters and his approach to writing.
One of the things that stuck with me was his living arrangements with his wife. He said they owned a 3 story brownstone in Boston. His wife lived on the 2nd floor. He lived on the 3rd floor. They shared the first floor.
He said this worked well during his 40+ year marriage because he was a morning person and she was a night owl. Both had different social schedules, sleep habits and a desire for personal space.
To me that sounded like a strange way to be married. But it was clear that they were deeply in love and that this living arrangement worked for them.
I often think about this arrangement. My wife and I lived together for 29 years. Although we never had separate floors, the master bedroom, closet and bath were “hers”, while I used our 2nd bath as ”mine” and our 2nd bedroom for my clothes.
My wife was a pack rat. She had stuff everywhere on every surface. Showering in her bathroom made me feel like a bull in a china shop – I was constantly knocking over lotions, makeup and paraphernalia. Her closets were jammed with clothes, shoes and purses. She filled 3 dressers with her stuff. It was exactly how she liked it.
I, on the other hand, am a minimilist. In my bathroom was a bar of soap, a razor and a towel. All surfaces were bare and everything was put away in drawers. I used 2 drawers in a dresser and half a closet for my clothes. Everything was neat, organized and in its place – exactly the way I liked it.
We divvied up our house according to our needs. The garage was my workout area. The garden was her domain. The third bedroom became a home office and/or a makeup room. The kitchen and living rooms were shared spaces were we spent most of our time together.
Although we spent a lot of time together, we also liked to have our own space and activities.
I think this is one reason I’ve been able to contentedly transition into bachelorhood. Although I miss having someone to talk to and I miss having someone to love, the rest of bachelorhood is fantastic.
- I furnish my house the way I want – minimally, with furniture, cabinetry and appliances I stained myself.
- I only buy food I like to eat so I am never tempted with junk.
- I wake up early (4AM) and go to sleep early.
- I set the thermostat to a temperature that’s comfortable for me (and the dogs).
- I play music I like, when I want to. I workout when I want to. I eat when I want to.
- Chores, maintenance, hobbies, artistic pursuits, walks , swimming, shopping and everything I do is according to my schedule.
I have been thinking about these benefits of bachelorhood a lot lately since I have re-entered the dating scene.
I realize that I don’t have a desire to be married again. I want a long term, committed, monogamous relationship. I want to have a girlfriend who I spend a lot of time with.
But she doesn’t have to live with me or marry me.
I’m not opposed to either, if everything lined up right. But if it happens, it will involve compromise, challenges and sharing for both of us. I won’t enter into this lightly.
Along the same line of thought, my foray into the dating world has also helped me identify other things I do not want in a relationship.
Kids. I raised two step kids. That was enough. I won’t date someone with young children or someone who wants to have a baby.
Financial Disasters. When I met my wife, I was a broke minimum wage hourly worker with no good job prospects. She was a newly separated single mom with a part-time job who had been bankrupted and saddled with debt by her husband’s cocaine binges, con jobs and business failures. We struggled financially for a long time until I finally worked my way up into high paying positions that enabled us to get out from under our debt.
Married, broken, mentally unstable, not introspective – By this time in our lives, we’ve had multiple opportunities to learn who we are, experience and recover from hardships and grow into a fully developed person. Having problems is fine – we’re all a work in progress. But having problems that I need to fix – I’ll take a hard pass.
Age – This is a weird one for me. Because I married a woman 19 years older than me, I have been out of sync with my peers for most of my adult life. We met when I was 21 and she was 40. When she died I was 50 and she was 69. As much as I am physically attracted to women in their 30s and early 40s, I will most likely seek women within 10 years of my age. Having been on the other side of a spring/winter relationship, I am hesitant to put a woman through the experiences I went through. Also, I like the idea of having a partner who shares common cultural references, lifespan, experiences and ideas with me. That said, I’m extremely active and high energy. Many women my age look and act like my grandmother so it will take a special kind of weirdo for me. Age is just a number, but it does have some relevance.
Some of my friends agonize about being alone for the rest of their lives. They make what I consider to be less than optimal choices to ensure they have a partner. I don’t worry about that. I like being alone most of the time.
I want to fill some of that time with more friends. I want to fill some of that time with a girlfriend.
Once I add these to my life, I could envision living happily ever after as a bachelor forever.