A friend I haven’t spoken to in a while called to talk to me about getting a divorce. I didn’t have much advice for him. I don’t have any experience with getting divorced. My experiences with divorce are from the perspective of a child and later, as a step-parent.
So instead of offering any advice, I listened.
After he told me about the problems he and his wife were having, I said, “What you just told me is exactly what you told me 5 years ago when we first became friends. It doesn’t sound like the problems between you and your wife have changed.”
He replied, “I know. They haven’t. I know what I need to do. I’m just afraid.“
He told me he’s not afraid of splitting up with his wife, he worried about all of the hardships to come: money, finding a place to live, shared custody, support, and so on. They’ve been together for more than 2 decades so their lives are completely intertwined.
I told him that those things will be hard. I don’t blame him for being worried.
That night and the next morning, as I reflected on our call, I felt sad for him. Divorce is hard. Seperating their lives will be painful. It will be hard on the kids, his wife and him. Regardless of how mutual the decision is, it will be expensive too.
But then, I realized, I don’t need to feel sad.
He’s going to be fine. As long as I’ve known him, he’s always been a happy, upbeat guy. It’s his baseline. Even if the divorce is difficult, he’ll return to his baseline of happiness quickly.
I realized my sadness came from feelings of my parent’s divorce, the chaos it created in my childhood, the financial struggles we had and even, the frustrations I had years later dealing with the fallout from my wife’s divorce from her first husband.
None of that is my friend’s problem. Nor is any of my past divorce experience – or my friend’s future my problem.
I know a guy who used to say “Congratulations!” and suggest a celebration whenever a friend told him they were getting divorced. He thought this was a more positive response that “I’m sorry“.
Now that he’s older and more sensitive, he tempered his response to, “How do you feel about this?”
Then he listens and acts accordingly.
The next time my friend calls, that’s my plan too.