Last month marked six years since my wife died and five years since I’ve worn my wedding ring. And yet, I still feel like I am married – especially when I am dreaming of her. Obviously, I know I am not married. Still, it feels weird to check the box for “SINGLE” on tax forms, applications and registrations. When I am talking about Ellen, I call her my wife. Not my former wife. Not my deceased wife. My wife.
When an attractive woman gives me a big smile and I think, “maybe I should ask her out”, I know that if I did, I’d suggest a place that would take my wife. If we did date, I would act like a married man – considerate, kind, and trying to take care of her even from the first date. I don’t know how to be any other way.
Last night I had a dream I was dating another woman. She was nobody particular, just some random woman made up in my head. In the dream, I remember feeling bad because I was cheating on my wife. Then at some point in the dream, I remembered my wife was dead – even though she was alive and talking to me earlier in the dream.
That happens a lot.
When I was actually dating a few years ago, I tried not to talk about my wife much to the women I dated. Her death is a sad story and me being a widower is awkward enough for someone dating me. Talking about my wife is definitely not early dating conversation fodder.
I wonder if I’ll always feel married to Ellen. I suspect this would change if I fell in love with someone else.
So far, the chances of that seem quite slim.