When I’m talking to my mother, she’ll often say, “That must have been really scary” or “That must make you feel very afraid”.
She’s wrong. Every time. I am afraid of nothing.
I used to be afraid. Afraid of losing what I had. Afraid of not being able to take care of my wife. Afraid of financial insecurity. Afraid of nuclear war. Afraid of losing my job.
Then my wife got lung cancer. For 8 horrific months I stayed by her side as she suffered while trying everything possible to survive – surgery, chemo, radiation, pills. Then after these failed: morphine, Ativan and hospice as her mental and physical capacities faded away until she finally died. She died alone, in a hospice facility, because I could no longer releive her pain at home and I couldn’t bear spending the final hours listening to her body give its final gasps as it struggled to stay alive.
It was truly an awful end to a horrific 8 month ordeal that changed my entire outlook on life, my world and my identity.
I haven’t been afraid of anything ever since she died.
I am prepared and ready to die. My will is written. My dogs, the only living creatures that count on me, will be cared for. Nobody else depends on me or needs me.
I’m not suicidal and have no wishes to die today , but if I do, I’m totally OK with it. I’ve had a good and full life.
In the meantime, I suppose it would be normal to “be afraid”
What if there’s a nuclear war? What if I’m in a traffic accident? What if “they’re shooting people” as my mother warns me weekly? What if I have a financial disaster? What if I am alone forever? What if I get cancer?
I’m not afraid of any of these things. I do my best to prepare for the most likely scenarios and I don’t think much about the rest.
It may surprise you that living with this mindset makes me extremely content, confident and assured. Being fearless is a great way to move through life.