I have officially crossed another dating milestone – I’ve been ghosted. In fact, I’ve been ghosted multiple times this past week.
Two times it was online in dating apps with women who “liked” me. One never responded to my request to chat. The other said, “Sure how about tomorrow?”. I suggested several times/dates and she never responded again.
The third ghosting was actually painful. Someone I had been seeing and texting regularly stopped contacting me altogether. I had noticed in the past two weeks that our interactions were pretty one-sided. I was the one always reaching out. I was the one trying to setup our next dinner. I was the one interested in more than an occasional, casual friendship.
In fairness to her, she said from the beginning that she didn’t have the capacity for anything more than friendship.
I wanted more.
Clearly this wasn’t going to work out. It just took me awhile to accept this.
Ironically, when I saw her last week, I felt as if I was saying goodbye to her. I had finally acknowledged to myself that she wasn’t interested in me romantically and nothing I could do would change this.
Although I didn’t say “goodbye” when we parted that night, in my heart I knew that at best, we would be friends going forward.
I decided to no longer bother her with regular texts asking how she was doing or trying to encourage communication. She had been semi-responsive to my texts, but never initiated any of her own.
I can take a hint.
I didn’t realize she’d stop contacting me altogether. I really thought she liked me (as a friend) and enjoyed my company.
Maybe she did. Maybe she did not. I don’t know.
What I know is that I haven’t heard from her in a week. My one message to her went un-responded to.
I don’t ghost people.
After spending most of my life cutting people out of my life when I moved away, I made a decision 17 years ago that I would no longer do that. Instead, when I am leaving, I tell the people how much I care for them. I tell them what they meant to me. I tell them that I’ll miss them. I tell them goodbye.
I don’t make false promises. Instead, I tell them that I likely won’t keep in touch and that I may never see them again. But that if this is the last we see of each other, I want them to know how I feel about them.
In my early years, I couldn’t handle the pain of being honest and vulnerable. So instead, I disappeared without saying goodbye, figuring it would be easier for everyone.
I was wrong about that.
I am sad my friend has ghosted me. It would have been nice to have a proper goodbye. But I won’t chase her, berate her, or even text her to say goodbye.
She already knows how I felt about her and what she meant to me. I told her many times. I don’t need to belabor it.
Perhaps, I’m wrong too. Maybe she didn’t ghost me. Maybe she’s just busy. Maybe she’ll reach out to me again someday when she’s interested in reconnecting.
What is clear is that we have different priorities, different expectations of friendship, and are at different places in our lives.
So if last week was goodbye, that’s OK too.
As for the online dating women ghosting me – eh, whatever. Supposedly that’s part of the online dating world. I wouldn’t do it to them, but I don’t really care. I didn’t even know them and will be deleting these apps soon