Patience. I don’t have it – especially when I want something to happen right now.
And right now, I really want some things that will take time, effort and perhaps a bit of good fortune to develop. It makes me a little crazy when I cannot do anything rush the timeline.
Why is this happening? Because I’m falling for someone special (TMF). Even though I “know” intellectually that relationships take time and are not guaranteed to even happen, that doesn’t change my heart. My heart says “Now, now, now!”
But that’s OK, as long as I temper myself to not drive TMF crazy.
So it seems completely appropriate that at this exact same time, I’ve decided to grow my hair long again.
I shaved my head more than 3 years ago when my wife was undergoing chemotherapy. There was no way I would let her go bald alone.
After she died, I continued to buzz my hair. I told myself it was easy to maintain. I told myself it was better for showering, swimming and working out. I told myself that nobody cared what I looked like – not even me.
But then, just the other day, a casual remark from TMF got me thinking. She cares what I look like.
That night, I put my clippers away.
TMF didn’t tell me to grow out my hair. She just mentioned she liked man-buns. That got me thinking. I liked having long hair. Sure, it’s a bit wild in the wind and I have to tie it back when working out, but I like how it feels and how it looks.
Am I doing it for her? Of course, that’s part of it. She’s beautiful, sweet and charming. I want to look good for her. But I’m doing it for me too.
I know exactly what to expect. I’ve had long hair several times before. It grows 1/2″ a month. In a year, it will be covering the back of my neck. In two years, it will reach that sweet spot below my shoulders.
In the months between now and two years from now, I’ll have phases of good hair, a rat’s nest and a frizzy mess.
There is absolutely nothing I can do to make it grow faster.
I have to be patient.
It occurred to me this morning that growing my hair is symbolic of something much more important. It’s the last remnant of me letting go of grief and moving forward in life.
I thought I stopped grieving for my wife about a year ago. That’s when my attitude and life markedly improved. I no longer felt like I was mourning. I no longer felt waves of grief. I no longer felt apathetic toward life. I was taking care of myself, tackling new challenges and was relatively content. What I hadn’t considered was that I was still missing the most wonderful part of life – caring for someone deeply.
And so this new chapter of life has opened up. Just like growing my hair, it’s going to move forward one minute, one day, one week and one month at a time – whether I am patient or not.
