I was listening to a podcast where stepparents called in seeking advice for dealing with their stepchildren. The callers described problems with their stepchildren acting out, breaking boundaries, being disobedient, being disrespectful, etc. They spoke of kids who were “fine” when the stepparent was a boyfriend or girlfriend, but suddenly became antagonistic when the stepparent married and moved in. Problems ranged from not doing chores and failing at school to talking back, stealing and doing drugs.
Having been a stepparent, I’m unfortunately familiar with many of these issues.
What caught my attention was the host’s perspective and advice she gave to the callers. Here are some of the things she said:
- Your stepchildren hate you. They didn’t want you to be be a part of their family. They didn’t choose you. They do not love you nor respect you.
- Your stepchildren do not see you as a parental figure nor as an authority figure. You are an interloper who has been forced into their life.
- Your stepchildren will not change for the better nor grow to respect or love you. How you, as the stepparent act or feel is irrelevant. You cannot “fix” them.
- Your spouse is the parent. He/She should be the one who disciplines the kids, enforces the rules, etc.
She said that 70% of marriages with stepchildren end up in divorce. Her advice was not to marry someone who has children under 18. She said, don’t move into the family home or get married until the children have moved out.
For the people who were already entrenched, her advice was basically to not try to discipline the kids, get them to change, argue or fight with them. She also said not to fight with the “real parent” over any decisions he/she makes regarding the kids. They are not your kids. It is not your job. The same goes for debating with your spouse’s ex regarding the kids.
It got me thinking about my own stepparenting experiences. As I look back, so much of what she said rings true. Back then, I thought I could make my stepkids’ lives so much better by being a kind, loving, active stepdad. I could be a positive role model. I could show, through my behavior and actions, how much I loved their mother and them. I could give them stability, security and love. I wanted to be the father I never had.
And I sure tried.
But, with the benefit of hindsight, I now recognize that it was never going to be enough. They resented me being there. They didn’t want a stepfather, they wanted their mom and dad to be together. I was never seen as a father figure. I was an unwelcome intruder in their family. If anything, I made it worse because my presence prevented their dream of their parents reuniting.
At best I was seen as their mother’s husband – perhaps an overall good guy and someone who helped provide financial support, but never anything more.
I’d like to think that the podcaster’s blunt advice is wrong. I’d like to think that the right stepparents and stepkids could blend together into a happy family. I suppose it is possible under the right circumstances.
I wonder if I’d known this back when I was 21, if I would have reconsidered getting involved with their mother. I don’t regret marrying her. She was the love of my life.
Regarding stepparenting, I will never do that again.
