On a recent Solo podcast about grief, one of the guests said when you lose a loved one that your life splits into two part – the part before they died and the part after. She described grieving as a transformational process that begins when your life splits into two. That certainly has been true for me.
One way I transformed after losing my wife is in my capacity for love and caring. Or rather, in my willingness to love and care for others. Although I am a kind person, I am no longer willing to be a caretaker for others.
I put everything I had into caring for my wife. With the exception of my dogs, I have hardened my heart against caring that deeply for anyone else. I have very intentionally refused to allow myself to be drawn into caretaking via guilt trips, familial ties, romantic connections or societal obligations.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have the capacity or the willingness to do this again.
There’s a sad trope about people who lose a loved one through break-up or divorce shutting themselves off from love because they are afraid of the pain of another break-up.
I’m not afraid. I know how wonderful is is to love someone. If an opportunity presents itself, I’m open to it, but I’m not looking for it.
On the other hand, my heart is hardened against caring deeply for people I don’t love.
If, I can do something to make someone’s life a little bit better, I will. I am not an ogre or a misanthrope. I like people. I enjoy being kind and helping others.
But, their problems are not my problems to solve – no matter how significant they are or what our relationship is. Not only won’t I shoulder their burden, I won’t let myself feel bad about it.
That’s the heart hardening transformation I’m speaking of.
I had some major losses when I was young. My father abandoned us when I was 5. My mother moved us far away from our hometown and entire family. I was uprooted from schools and homes throughout my childhood. My first love dumped me unexpectedly.
The only way I could cope with some of these was to stuff my feelings deep down inside of me. I refused to show weakness for a long time.
The heart hardening I have today is not the same. I’ve learned how to cry. I don’t stuff my feelings down. It’s different.
But there is no doubt my perspective on life has transformed. I now consider life quite transitory and not very important.
It sound callous as I write this, we all have our own suffering to bear.