In a recent conversation with a relative, I was told, “They are shooting cops around here all the time… the former mayor is getting mugged because crime is rampant…we have a black mayor who is firing all the white employees and replacing them with his black friends…”
And so, my relative no longer ventures far from her home where she huddles in front of her TV and browses Facebook, fearing the downfall of society. She lives in one of the safest cities in the US. Her former mayor lives in one of the wealthiest (and safest) enclaves in that city. In her 50+ years living there, her purse was snatched once (the thief was caught and prosecuted), a neighbor broke in a few times to use our washer and steal change and cigarettes back in 1976 and a group of teenagers stole a pizza out of my sister’s hands when we were in grade school walking home from the pizza shop.
Despite those facts, my relative has lives in fear. She fears being shot by gangbangers because she hears about drug related shootings on the news. She laments the declining safety in the “hot spots” where young adults drink until the bars close then pour out onto the streets causing mayhem – even though she hasn’t gone bar hopping in decades.
She is so fearful, she rarely leaves her home.
Her life has become very small.
And yet, trying to insulate herself doesn’t ease her fear.
During these past 8 years, a friend of mine has been paying rent for an apartment that he hasn’t lived in since 2015, when he moved back into his parents’ home to assist them as they aged. His parents are elderly, but still manage the family household, budget, bills, etc.
One of his parents has passed away. The other’s health and capabilities are declining. My friend needs to clean out his old apartment, terminate his lease and take responsibility for basic financial responsibilities for himself and his parent’s household. But whenever we discuss this topic, he has a litany of excuses for why he cannot move forward.
In the end, I believe it all comes down to fear. He is afraid of being responsible for himself.
By trying to hide from his fear through procrastination and rationalizations, he ensures it will continue to haunt him.
Hiding from fear doesn’t work.
I know of only two ways to deal with fear.
- Stop caring. This is how I became fearless about life, death and the future. The problem with this method is that it was completely out of my control. When my wife died, the part of me that cared about living died too.
- Feel the fear and push through it with action. This is how I’ve accomplished almost everything worthwhile in my life, so I will expand on it below.
After my parents divorced, I was told that I was now the “man of the house” and had to protect my mother and sister. I was 5. I remember going downstairs every morning on dark, cold wintery nights terrified that someone had broken in and was waiting to get us. I wrapped by belt around my fist with the buckle end shining freely like I saw the gang members do on TV, and whisper shouted when I got to the bottom of the stairs to any hidden intruders that I had a belt and would hurt them. The I would turn on all the lights and “clear the house” before my mother and sister came down. (I never said my actions were grounded in rational behavior or reality.)
I switched schools 4 times and moved even more often than that which meant starting over in a strange place, as the new kid, with no friends, no family ties and no familiarity. Over the course of my life, I ended up moving 23 times and having more than a dozen different jobs. Every single one required me to take action despite fear of looking stupid, fear of getting lost, fear of being the outsider, etc.
I rarely feel fear anymore at all. If you think I’m insane or lying, I can understand. I’m an outlier. But it is true and it’s given me a kind of freedom to live the way I want.
Before my wife died, I was pushing through most of my fears by taking action.
- I feared I wouldn’t be able to afford her expensive healthcare expenses so I always made sure to have good insurance.
- I feared I wouldn’t be able to provide for us financially if I lost my job – so I worked very hard in a stressful profession to make myself valuable to employers.
- I feared we might run out of money, so I lived frugally so we could build up savings and eventually investments.
- I feared what would happen to my wife if I died, so I purchased a 20 year $1 million dollar term life insurance policy (I used to say I was worth more dead than alive).
Many of the fears that plagued me in my younger years dissipated because I had learned how to push past them.
I learned that the more something bothered me, the sooner I needed to take action. Then, instead of feeling constant fear, anxiety or agitation, I’d be in it. I’d only have to deal with the consequences of my actions. Even though I made many mistakes, the consequences were never that bad.
They say that courage is feeling fear and then doing something anyway.
I don’t feel particularly courageous.
I just don’t know any other way to live.
As for my relative and my friend, I no longer offer any advice or recommendations. They know me and know what I would do.
They prefer to live in fear.