A friend was talking to me about his wife and said half-jokingly, “Well, you know she’s a hoarder. My house is so full of stuff, I need to move out just to get some room to walk around”.
Ugh. I know all about hoarding. My mother is a hoarder. Many years ago, I cleaned out her home to give her a fresh start after she had recovered from a lengthy recovery after a surgery. Cleaning out her home was a nightmare that required a crew of 6 men and 3 dumpsters. Within a few weeks, it looked like I had never been there.
That wasn’t the first time I tried to help my mother clean out her mess and start fresh. But it was the most dramatic and it was also the last time I will ever do it.
My friend’s wife is much different than my mother. Yet, they both hoard.
Long before I ever heard the word “hoarder”, I knew other people who were hoarders.
- When we lived in the ghetto, we moved into a hoarder’s home. We had to clean out rooms full of saved cigarette butts, flags, ashes, weapons, newspapers, tools and everything imaginable.
- My high school best friend’s mother was a hoarder. At the time I thought she was an artist. Their huge house had so many newspapers, artwork, sculptures, antiques and artifacts, that you could only walk through narrow 18 inch paths between ceiling high stacks everywhere.
I’m sure I’ve met other hoarders too – they just never let me in their homes.
After talking to my friend about his wife, I thought:
“No matter how much stuff she stockpiles, it won’t be enough to make her feel secure and whole.”
I think that is the crux of the matter.
It might feel good for a moment to buy something. It might make you feel safer having multiple backups of clothing, stored food, toys, etc. although the hoarders I’ve known can’t ever locate whatever they know they have when they need it.
Hoarding doesn’t make you one iota safer. From a purely practical standpoint, I think it makes you less safe (filth, tripping hazards, disease, fires, infestations, lack of social contact etc.)
So what can be done about this?
My experience is that tossing out stuff, cleaning the place and organizing is a waste of time. The root of the problem is the person. Unless, he/she wants to change, there’s no point in changing the environment. Trust me, the hoarder will fill it up in record time.
Pain is the best motivator. But if the hoarder doesn’t feel enough pain, don’t expect any changes. If they do feel enough pain to attempt a sincere change, I’d recommend therapy.
Personally, I’ve never met a single hoarder who changed. The pain of their hoarding was instead inflicted upon their family who tried to help, who was no longer was welcome in their home or who refused to visit because it was too painful to see.
So hoarding has changed me. The last time I was in my mother’s home was 15 years ago. I will likely never step foot in it again. The last time I was in her car was 6 years ago. I won’t be doing that again either.
The ghetto home owner died without ever changing. I’d guess my high school friend’s mother did the same.
As for my friend and his wife – they have their own course to chart.
I wish them luck.