I have some very strong opinions regarding my mother’s recent health crises, her capacity to care for herself and what should be done. My sister, who’s local and directly involved, shares some of my opinions but differs greatly on others. My mother has had a surprisingly positive reaction to my sister’s involvement, but eventually will revert back to her usual way of living. After all, that’s what we all do.
A big difference of opinion is our involvement in “solving” my mother’s problems. My sister is going to invest a great deal of time, energy and labor to support my mother living independently. I’m not doing that.
We both think we are right.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned. Being right doesn’t matter. It’s not my role to persuade my sister that my perspective is the right one. My experience has been informed by decades of caring for my wife through multiple chronic health issues. It has also been the result of frustrating attempts to help (aka try to change) my mother to improve her life.
We all make our own choices and eventually deal with the consequences of our decisions and actions.
Perhaps my sister will have different results with my mother. They might even be better.
Even if her results are not better, my sister has to do what she thinks is right. This is her experience to live through, not mine. The same is true for my mother – this is her life and her path to travel.
They are both adults who raised kids, built careers, supported themselves and carved a life out in this world without my help. Neither one needs or wants my opinion on how to live.
So, I’ve intentionally put down the 2×4.
This, of course, is difficult for me. Because I think I’m right.
Then again, I am. When it comes to my decisions, my actions and how I live my life, I have no qualms. So I’ll do what I think is appropriate regarding my mother, regardless of anyone else’s opinion. My sister and mother will do what they think is appropriate, regardless of my opinion.
Each of us will live with the consequences of our decisions. As it should be.