While listening to a recent Solo podcast with a self-described homebody, I recognized that we shared more than a few traits. I was somewhat surprised how many things I had in common with the guest that I had previously thought were unique to me.
- We wake up early – really early – like around 3:30AM.
- We exercise every day, following a methodical workout regimen.
- We walk our dogs, play with them and prefer to spend time with them over spending time out with most people.
- We traveled for work & pleasure. Even when we enjoyed it, we always wanted to be home after a few days.
- We’re not hermits or recluses. Our life includes frequent, regular contact with other people.
- Many of our friendships revolve(d) around people at work.
- We like being self sufficient, self reliant, and autonomous.
- We follow strict diets, don’t drink and rarely eat out.
- Our dogs have become an anchor for us. We are home a lot to spend time with them.
Unlike me, the guest is a tenured professor, nearing retirement who has never been married. He’s about a decade older than me. It was interesting to hear him discuss the reason why he never married. Kids. He had several longer romantic relationships that would have led toward marriage, but he was ambivalent about having children. His partners were not. They definitely wanted kids. Eventually, he “aged out” of that and although he still dated, he never found (nor felt a need for) a wife.
As I listened to his story, it struck me how much of life is random chance. Looking back, it might appear that our paths were formed through a series of deliberate choices made at critical junctures. But, the reality is that many of these decisions were made in response to chance events.
I could have been this professor – except I dropped out of school and met my wife when we were both working low paying jobs at a Mailboxes Etc store. Maybe I would have never gotten married to anyone had I not met her. I always wanted to have kids but had never intended to become a stepparent to another man’s kids. But, I knew that it was a package deal. My future wife had two kids. If I wanted to be with her, I had to accept that they were her priority and came first. And I did – with no hesitation.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been able to live multiple lives. I’ve lived a life as part of a big family in a small time. I’ve lived another as an inner city family that took in random boarders, had dozens of foster home-like sibling relationships and much chaos. I loved in the ghetto and in suburbs. I’ve been poor and I’ve been comfortably middle class. I was part of my own loving family that I helped create and I’m completely on my own now.
I used to think that life followed a series of straight lines and would progress down a standard path. That path, in my head, was created by TV, books, marketing, tropes, childhood stories and what I believed was “normal”.
Mine life certainly didn’t follow that mythological path. I’m not convinced that the path even exists for most people.