Back in the 70’s there was a series of commercials for Roland’s antacid with the tagline “How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S”. The commercial would show scenes of men eating large amounts of spicy foods and then their stomachs distorting, rumbling and on fire from heartburn. Then they’d pop some Rolaids and immediately feel better.
They never addressed the real cause of the heartburn- eating too much of the wrong foods.
I have had a series of dates with women I’ve met on dating apps during the past 4 months. The apps have enabled me to meet attractive, interesting, accomplished women who I would never otherwise meet. But what what I’ve discovered is that most of the women I meet are not interested in having a relationship (or the type of relationship I’m seeking) with me.
Some are too busy. Some are re-entering the dating world and say they are not ready to do more than one-off casual dates. Some I suspect are simply not attracted to me for whatever reason. Some, I am not attracted to after meeting.
It’s all OK. After all, these early dates are “blind dates” where we meet to see if we’re even interested in dating each other.
But I’m worn out with the process. The “meet for coffee/interviews”. The polite exchanges and then the gentle rejections (on either side). The slow fade responses.
And so, I decided to take a break from it altogether.
I let my premium memberships with Hinge and Bumble expire.
I stopped searching for new profiles.
I decided to enjoy my life as a solo guy. I will keep my eye open for real life connections with women, but in the meantime, I’ll do my own thing.
I had one final “first coffee date” already setup, so I went on it.
And it was good. We had a dinner date the following week and are going on a 3rd date this weekend.
Of course, I think she’s attractive. But the more I get to know her, the more attractive she becomes.
- She’s accomplished and educated, but intentionally chose a path of serving the poor and downtrodden vs. chasing wealth.
- Her career path included zigzags that don’t fit the traditional pattern.
- Her eyes light up and do that “upside down half moon” thing that I adore when she smiles.
When we’re together, it feels natural, comfortable and easy.
In between, she occasionally sends me a text, letting me know she’s thinking about me. When I text her, she responds. There’s no games. No ghosting. No weird behaviors.
I know it’s far too early for me to fall head over heels for her. We barely know each other. I have no expectations. I’ve learned that imagining the future after a few dates is an exercise in futility. I’m not pledging my heart to her, nor do I expect her to pledge hers to me.
But, it’s a nice start.
I hope things work out for us.
Unless that changes, I have no intention of going on any other first dates with anyone else.
Post script 2 days later:
After our third date, I received the ”you’re a great guy but I’m not feeling a romantic connection text”.
I’m actually thrilled to receive this. Although I liked her, I was already ambivalent about some things and dating in general.
I am done. I just deleted my dating app profiles and have re-embraced my wonderful, solo life.
How do I spell relief? NOT DATING.
My five month foray into dating has taught me how clueless I was about dating and relationships. I knew how to date when I was a teenager. I learned how to be a good husband, provider and caretaker after meeting my future wife when I was 21.
But none of that prepared me for dating in 2022.
I mistakenly thought being married relatively successfully and happily for 29 years qualified me as an a relationship expert. I anticipated I’d have very few challenges dating and building a long term relationship.
Clearly, I was wrong. It makes me shake my head and laugh at myself now.