This line from Radiohead’s song Creep kept echoing through my head as I walked the dogs this morning.
I’ve been thinking this when I visit online forums that are dedicated to my way of life including:
- Solo living forum
- Raleigh subreddit
- FIRE (financial independence retire early) online communities
- Anti-consumerism, Minimalism, Frugality, Carnivore Diet and others
- Various podcast discussion groups
- Local Raleigh subreddit and groups
I feel the same way in the offline world too, as evidenced by my loner by choice lifestyle.
Not fitting in has been a common theme throughout my life.
I began after my parents divorced and my mother moved us from our tiny home town across the state to Pittsburgh. Talk about not fitting in. I knew nobody. The food was different. The dialect and accents were strange. The city was big, scary and dirty. Our home was cold and unwelcoming. Our neighborhood was rough.
I was uprooted from a wonderful world surrounded by friends and family and hurled into a life of chaos.
With rare exceptions (high school, best friends, girlfriends, wife, a few jobs) I rarely felt like I fit in anywhere ever since.
Occasionally, I landed in a job, joined a team or moved to a community where everything seemed to gel. This could last a few months or years before that feeling of not belonging would resurface.
What happens is I outgrow the places where I once fit in. In the early stages, when we are learning together as newcomers, striving to build a startup or collaborating to create a group, it’s easy to fit in.
At some point, my path and the group’s path diverge. We grow at different paces. We want different results. Our ambitions and efforts no longer align.
Often, the group is for beginners and newcomers. Once I move past that stage, unless I’m taking on a leadership or mentorship role, there’s no place for me to grow.
My interest wanes. My connections fade. And eventually I leave.
When I found the Solo podcast after my wife died, it was a lifeline of sorts. I heard the stories from educated, successful people who lived remarkable solo lives. They gave me hope. They provided me with ideas on how to rebuild my own life. I connected with the host and the community. I participated in the forum, was a guest on the podcast and a volunteer moderator/tech for the forum.
For a few years, I belonged there. But, this connection has been fading for a while now.
At first, I noticed a number of solo forum members who were bitter and angry at being solo. Many of them never had loving relationships or had relationships that ended badly, leaving them hurt and angry. Lately, there are more GenZs. I have nothing in common with kids who have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and are avoiding relationships due to fear, anxiety and lack of confidence. Then, there is a third group of solos I’ll call the “alternative sexual lifestyle” group. They have chosen to opt out of conventional romance/gender/sexual relationships to pursue a different path. To each his own, but I’m not interested in discussing this.
I’m not here to judge any of these people.
I just don’t connect anymore. We have different values, lifestyles, interest and experiences.
The topics covered by the podcast during the past year are less interesting to me. There’s more academic/philosophical discussions, relationship design discussions and alternative sexual lifestyle discussions. Plus, like all podcasts, there’s a fair amount of repetition that is focused on introductory topics for new listeners. The host is also producing fewer new episodes while posting older repeats.
It’s time for me to fade away.
The forum won’t miss me. There’s a woman who lives in Australia who I’ll send my contact information to. I always felt connected to her. There’s the host. I’ll make sure he has my contact info in case I can ever help out. There’s another cool woman who I always liked and respected, but we will never connect outside of the forum.
I know how this will go.
The podcast and forum will be fine without me. Most likely, I’ll never speak to the host or the Australian lady ever again.
It’s Ok. It’s time for me to let this chapter close and see what the next one will bring.