When I was a small child, I thought that if I was strong like a superhero and never cried, then nothing would hurt me.
This belief stuck with me from childhood through my teens and into my early twenties. Sometime around age 22, I realized this didn’t work.
But after meeting my (future) wife and becoming a part of her family, I started to believe that if I made a lot of money, then all of my problems would go away.
After working more than 3 decades, I became obsessed with the idea that if I could cut expenses and save enough money, then I could retire early and everything would be better.
As far back as I can remember, too many times I was looking toward the future and missing the happiness of the moment.
I could list dozens of other if/then scenarios I’ve obsessed over:
- If I get this job…then
- If I wasn’t overweight…then
- If I lived in Florida, Silicon Valley, Portland, Australia…then
All of these boil down to the same thing:
If I could have something that I don’t have today, then I’ll be happy.
It’s total bullshit.
None of my if/then schemes ever brought long term happiness. Even ones that worked out only brought short term happiness before I came up with a new if/then goal to strive toward.
I have given up on seeking happiness.
Now I settle for something smaller.
Peace in the a quiet moment. Physical exhaustion at the end of a busy day. Scratching my dog’s belly on a warm summer afternoon. The satisfaction of completing a Big F***ing List for a project. The smell of my clothes after hanging on the line.
Maybe it’s easier for me today not to seek happiness because I’m still grieving for my wife.
Maybe it’s easier because in the past two weeks I’ve given away both of my cats, whom I had loved deeply and cared for every day for 4 years.
Maybe it’s because I will soon be leaving my son – once again – to go far away.
Maybe it’s because my daughter died 12 years ago, my wife died 3 months ago and the rest of us will die too.
I am trying to not take everything for granted.
I’m not sure where I am headed on this road trip and I certainly have no idea where it will end.
There’s no if/then. My current plan is to slowly make my way across the country, camping in spots for days or weeks. I’ll drive. I’ll make camp. I’ll exercise. I’ll hike with Snickers.
Some friends think I am going on an extended vacation. Some think it is part of the grieving process and that I’ll settle back down into a traditional suburban work-home-life routine in a few months. Some tell me they are jealous and wish they could join me on an adventure.
Some parts will kind of suck – but I’ll get used to them:
- I’ll be sh!tting in a bucket.
- I’ll be toting all of my own food and water for weeks.
- Electricity will be scarce, air conditioning nil, and internet sporadic.
Some things will be amazing:
- I’ll be spending nearly 100% of my time in nature with Snickers.
- I’ll see and experience the world in a way I never have before.
- I’ll visit places, see things and meet people that will change my perspective .
I want this to be difficult. I want to push myself to be open to new ideas, experiences and ways of living. If I can find peace, meaning or a new way of life, that would be cool too.
I’m pretty sure the difficult part will happen. The rest– we’ll just have to see.