There are certain behaviors that I have done for so long that I could say they have become second nature. But the reality is, they have become so ingrained that they are part of me.
Some of these behaviors stood out when I was dating last year and I recognized surprise in the face of my dates. Others are habitual whenever I’m interacting with other people (or, for that matter, with my dog). Most I never think about at all.
- I’m going to hold the door for you.
- I’ll let you go first.
- I’ll hold back your hair when you are puking.
- I’ll offer you the shady spot when we’re outside in the hot sun.
- I’ll let you merge in front of me.
- I’ll smile, make eye contact and say hello.
- I’ll remember you the next time we see each other.
- I’ll comfort you if you’re scared.
- I’ll try to protect you.
- I’ll hold your hand.
- I’ll try to be gentle.
- I’ll share.
I acted this way with my wife. I laughed the other day when I was holding the door for my dog to go through first and I realized I was treating her like a little lady (which she is!). I act the same way with strangers. I don’t do it because I’m a good man. I don’t do it to gain “virtue credits”. It’s simply who I am. It makes me feel good.
Lest you think this is a post written to humble brag about how wonderful I am, below is a list of my insipid behaviors, that are as much a part of me as the more virtuous ones listed above. (Note – this list took me less than 2 minutes to generate. It would have been trivial to triple its length.)
- I rarely visit my friends or take the initiative to meet with them.
- I don’t socialize.
- I turn down most invitations.
- I have distain for children.
- I avoid most public events.
- I am not particularly warm.
- I am blunt with my advice.
- I don’t have much patience.
- I don’t tolerate people whom I disrespect.
- I am disgusted by certain people’s behavior.
- I am judgmental.
- I have difficulty masking my contempt and disgust for people I do not admire.
What got me thinking about all of this were two unrelated incidents. In the first, I was holding back the screen flap so Wiggles could walk through the door without having to push her little head through while I said, “Go ahead baby…you first.” It made me smile when I recognized I do this all the time. She reciprocates when we’re out walking by glancing up at me and pausing so she doesn’t cross in front of my feet and trip me up.
The second incident was a conversation with my friend about his angst concerning his on again/off again girlfriend. I told him the “I Just Love Being Loved” story and explained that I’d rather be alone than be with someone who didn’t appreciate and reciprocate my love.
I contrasted what it was like when I first began dating my wife vs. when I dated “The Music Fan”. With my wife, we were a natural fit from the very beginning. With the Music Fan, despite my strong attraction to her, I knew it wasn’t going to work out after a few dates because we wanted to be loved in vastly different ways so I stopped dating her. As fun and sweet as she was, I still fondly recall our time together and feel a twinge of wistfulness about what might have been. But that was just wishful thinking. She didn’t want to be loved the way I wanted to love her. Trying to convince her otherwise would have been a waste of energy.
I told my friend that I hoped he would find someone who appreciated and reciprocated his love. At least now, he knows what he is looking for.