For the 29 years I was with my wife, I willing chose crappier options for myself in order to give her better options. I did this intentionally because I loved her. I was younger, stronger and a man. From my perspective, this wasn’t a choice, it was simply what a good man does.
- She got the best side of the bed.
- I chose work where I could schedule my shifts so I could pickup Zack after school, get him to baseball practice, etc.
- When we had 2 bathrooms – hers was the nice one and mine was the crappy one.
- I took over our finances, dealing with bill paying, managing our debt, and eventually being the sole provider.
- I was primarily responsible for getting the dogs to the groomer, the vet and for walks. (In fairness, for many years, she handled the midday walks and dinnertime feedings when I was at work.)
- I scooped the litter boxes and scrubbed them weekly.
- I took out the trash, handled repairs and negotiated with contractors.
I am not complaining.
I did all of this because I loved her.
She did plenty for me, for our pets, for the kids and for our household. Like me, she did many things just because she loved me too.
So when I listen to podcasts where daters talk about dumping someone because they got the “icks” for some minor transgression or when a married friend complains to me about his wife’s behavior (and his plan to retaliate), I cannot relate.
At all.
And now, as I’m thinking about this, I didn’t just act this way with my wife. I did the same for any of my girlfriends – obviously to a lesser extent because we were not together 24×7 for decades.
Still, with them, I paid for our dates. I picked them up at their homes. I opened the door for them, gave them the better seat at the movies, and made compromises because I card for them.
I never resented any of this either. It’s part of who I am.
I’ve ben reflecting on this recently because for the last 5 years since being widowed, my life incudes, the best parts and the shitty parts.
It’s nice having the big bathroom, sleeping on the best side of the bed, painting rooms the color I like, and furnishing my house the way I want to.
Some of these things I had never done before.
It’s also good I have experience with the shi**y stuff – because there’s plenty of that in all of our lives. I know how to handle those parts too.