My friend went on vacation with his girlfriend recently. They drove several thousand miles to camp off grid in the American West. My friend, like me, is the type of guy who excels at logistics, operations and getting shit done. We both believe there’s a right way to do something and that’s how we do it. (Some people might call us “anal retentive control freaks“. I prefer “logistics experts”.)
My friend’s vacation involved numerous logistical operations: navigation, setup/breakdown of campsite, cooking, driving, fire-making, and more. He told me how he and his girlfriend made a good team. They split up the work without conflict and each would handle their task independently. His girlfriend did things “her way”. My friend did things “his way”. It worked well.
It struck me that what makes them work well together is trust.
Ellen and I trusted each other unconditionally. I don’t think we ever had to earn that trust – we had it from the very beginning. There was never any concern about one of us cheating, lying, or hurting the other person. We shared our secrets, our money, our hearts and our lives. It was, in retrospect, a primary contributor to our successful marriage.
My dogs trust me unconditionally. I can do anything to them – snuggle them, vet them, kiss them, yell at them, play with them and discipline them. They are never afraid of me hurting them. Nor am I ever afraid of them hurting me. I’d like to say, I earned their trust by being a good owner. The truth is, they trusted me from the moment we met.
I was thinking about trust and initially thought, that’s it – there’s nobody else I trusted unconditionally.
But it’s not true. I trusted my Aunt Es, Uncle Bob, Uncle Russ, Grandpa and Gramma unconditionally. I trusted my first high school girlfriend, until she broke my heart. I trusted my long term high school girlfriend. I trusted my other pets.
As for people, I’m a glass half-full guy. My default is to trust someone unless they do something to lose my trust. But that trust is limited. It’s not unconditional because it doesn’t include love. It’s limited trust that applies to specific environments (eg. work, medical care, hobbies, casual friendship).
It’s good, but not unconditional.
As I listen to podcasts, visit user forums, read books and participate in the Solo forum, I see a common thread among people who are lonely, struggling with relationships or cannot find have a “match”.
That thread is a lack of trust.
Without it, I think relationships will always suffer. And even though it is often said that trust needs to be earned, in my experience that has not been the case. Trust was there from the very start. It’s maintained by our actions, but if it’s not there at the beginning, I don’t know if it is possible.
I could be wrong. But I’ve loved more people than I’ve trusted unconditionally. In many of those cases, I acted the same way I did with my wife, my relatives and my pets yet still, that trust never developed.
My advice? Keep looking for that deep unconditional trust in your relationships. It exists. I don’t know if you can develop it but you can find it.
When you do, there’s nothing better.