I once had a really close friend from high school. A song made me think of him the other day. We haven’t spoken to each other in 30 years – our lives drifted apart.
But he was stuck in my head, so I googled him to see what he’s up to.
- He married his high school girlfriend and they had a couple of kids.
- He graduated college, got a job in his field (art/graphic design) and has been there for decades.
- He bought a house in our hometown and has been there for nearly 20 years.
- His house had an article written about it. It was known as “The Castle” due to its unique architecture, age and hilltop location.
He basically has lived the life I once dreamed of.
And suddenly I was jealous.
I thought – of course he lives in “The Castle”. He grew up with two parents who were both artists. He was an artist. I remember his family home, which I loved and nicknamed “The Adams Family House” because it was an eerie, castle like structure with hidden rooms, turrets and architectural oddities that sat way up high atop a mountain, surrounded by trees.
Then I thought – how lucky he is to have married his high school sweetheart. They are middle aged together. They had kids together. They have a long history together and are still with each other right now.
I thought – imagine working a job in a field I wanted and staying there for over 20 years. How comfortable, rewarding and secure that must feel.
I, on the other hand am a widower. My wife died. She had two partly grown children when I met her and couldn’t have any more so I never became anything more than a part time step-dad.
I’ve lived in 23 different places and never settled down anywhere for more than a few years. I’ve had dozens of jobs – many unsatisfactory and none in my dream field (I wanted to be a doctor).
I didn’t marry my high school girlfriend. I married a woman 19 years older than me and as a result, have been out of sync with my peers ever since.
I nursed my jealousy and self pity while continuing to go about my day – working out, walking the dog and swimming. In a few hours, my head cleared as I realized:.
- I had the love of my life and spent 29 mostly wonderful years with her.
- I am retired. Retired. At 50.
- I had the opportunity to live in many great places and chase more than a few dreams – living in Florida, living in Raleigh, being a big shot VP, running my own business.
- I have no (step) kids to worry about. Liz is gone. Zack is estranged.
I never lived the life I dreamt of when I was a teenager. But it’s been pretty good so far.
With that, my jealousy of my old friend dissipated.
I hope my old friend loves his Castle, his wife, his kids, his job and his life as much as I once imagined I would. I hope even more that he has found the challenges, satisfaction, peace and contentment that I have discovered.
I have nothing to be jealous of.