I am a loner. I had a small group of close friends growing up, a few tight connections at work as an adult and loved being married. Long, intimate, tight relationships are my thing.
I have never been interested in having loose connections and casual relationships. I don’t enjoy networking, partying or socializing with strangers.
I spend most of my time alone. I was born this way.
I’ve think about my wife all the time. When she died, something died inside of me. I finally know what.
I have no interest in the future.
All of my life, I was striving, fighting and pushing towards some far-off goal. I constantly dreamt of a better future.
Now, I don’t care. Whatever happens will happen and I’ll deal with it.
For a few months when I was dating earlier this year, I felt a glimmer. I had daydreams of a better future with a new woman. It was exciting for a while.
But dating turned pretty quickly into a chore. When a friend said to me, “You’re supposed to be having fun,” a light build went off. It wasn’t fun. So I stopped.
Every time I’m tempted to go back on the dating apps, I remind myself how un-fun it was and find something else to do. Alone.
I thought that once the pandemic was over, I’d push myself to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I searched for Meet-Up groups. I planned conversations and ideas to get together with others.
But as the pandemic waned, I discovered I’m more interested in swimming laps, walking my dog, working out, painting, writing or drumming. Alone.
My life today is fairly satisfying. I’ve achieved goals I had never thought possible. I’ve challenged myself. I’ve learned how to paint, play the drums, get lean and live on my own.
I am quite pleased with the life I’ve built. Alone.
I don’t dream about the future anymore. I don’t fantasize about getting married again or building a long term relationship with another woman.
I will never be wealthy. Or a CEO.
I might never even find someone to play frisbee with. This year, I’ll be going to look at the Christmas lights by myself. Maybe I’ll take Wiggles and Snickers.
And you know what? It will be fine.