When I was a teenager, the word “love” seemed so powerful and important. I fell head over heels for my first girlfriend, Pam. I absolutely loved her.
But I never said it to her during the 2 months that we were together. Why? Because I didn’t know any better, I suppose.
I loved her.
I took her out on dates ice skating, to the movies and out to eat, even though I was too young to work so my only source of money was a $10/week allowance and twice a year Christmas/Birthday money from my Aunt Es.
I walked her home from school everyday.
I hung out with her as much as possible after school and work. We babysat her bratty little sister. I met her mother and tried to impress her. I tried to be nice to her friends – including the ones that didn’t like me.
I even kissed my sister’s ass so she’d chauffeur us on dates, since I didn’t have a license yet.
I couldn’t keep my hands off of her and was enthralled with kissing her and making out. Judging from her reciprocation, she enjoyed it too.
We laughed and flirted with each other constantly. We talked on the phone for hours.
I know I was in love because of my actions, not because I said the words.
When Pam broke up with me suddenly and without warning, I was crushed. It took me years to get over her. When I finally learned the reason why, I laughed.*
Not too many people tell me they love me anymore. It’s OK – that’s just the way the chips have fallen. But when I do hear it occasionally, it turns my stomach.
Because the people who say it to me, don’t show it. They say it and expect me to say it back. But they don’t act like it and neither do I.
So lately, I try not to say it at all. I feel it’s disingenuous and meaningless.
I do love a few people who are still part of my life. I show them and tell them.
Perhaps someday, I’ll love another woman the way I loved Pam, Kerry or my wife. I’d enjoy that.
If I do, they’ll know from my words and my actions.
*Pam contacted me decades later because she still felt guilty about this. She told me her mother made her break-up with me because her mother didn’t approve of my stepfather. It made me laugh because all those years I thought I had done something wrong. I didn’t approve of him either!