A good friend of mine told me he’s getting married. I’m so happy for him that I can’t stop smiling any time I think about it. I was surprised by his news. The last time we spoke was about 6 months ago. At that time, he had not yet met his fiancé.
I’ve thought a lot about marriage and relationships during the past 4 years. I reminisce about my 29 year marriage. Two of my close friends have shared a lot with me about their hopes, dreams and experiences with committed relationships/marriage. And, of course, while dating, the topic was always on my mind.
Being married was once so important to me. I was thrilled, when after 10 years of living as a couple, my wife agreed to marry me (mostly for health benefits I think). She had already been married once and said that being married again wasn’t important to her. Her exact words were, “We love each other already. Being married won’t change anything about our relationship.”
She was right about that. But being married made me feel great. I loved calling her my wife. It seemed to legitimize our relationship in a way that saying “my girlfriend” never did. There were legal and social ramifications that were all made simpler too – from taxes, to healthcare, to being each other’s emergency contact with full rights.
I would have stayed with her forever, even if she never married me. But I’m glad she did.
Now, I’m the one who was once married before and I can totally relate to her words that “being married won’t change how I feel about you”. For me, marriage is no longer the stuff of fantasy, dreams and a future together. It’s a legal contract. It binds a couple together – legally and financially – but not romantically and not necessary forever.
I have no interest in being married again.
That said, I’m thrilled for my friend. As a Millennial, he’s in an earlier chapter of his life than me. I remember when I was his age. By that time, I’d been with my wife for 13 years. It was one of the best times of our lives together. We had weekly date nights. We went on fun vacations. We worked together, played together and relaxed together. We bought a house. We had our own friends, mutual friends and family. Life was full of potential and possibilities.
No wonder I can’t stop smiling.
I have another friend who has been in several long term relationships. One was a marriage. The others were not. I would tease him about his partners, saying, “She’s your wife, you just won’t admit it.”
He would always say, “We’re not married“, as if it made a difference. I guess to him, it does. Legally and financially, it surely does.
Another friend my age, who has never been married, wants a “partner“. When he describes what he’s looking for to me, it’s not a partner, it’s a wife. I have cautioned him against marrying before he really knows his partner, while explaining some of the challenges, compromises and complications that come with marriage.
A fourth friend sometimes bemoans the fact that he may never get married. He hasn’t dated for many years and lives a life pretty free of responsibility. I think what he wants is a girlfriend and have told him as much.
As for me, over the past two years I’ve been listening to the Solo podcast by Peter McGraw and participating in the community forum. I’ve embraced my own Solo/Single life. I think living alone successfully works for me because:
- I’ve always been somewhat of a loner.
- I had a great marriage and a lifetime of good memories. I don’t feel like I missed out on that.
- I don’t mind being unconventional.
I have no “happily ever after” fantasies for myself anymore. I had that. We were married until “death do us part”.
But I don’t begrudge anyone who’s chasing that dream, living that dream or wanting that dream. I have nothing against marriage, love and commitment.
It can make for a wonderful life.