A friend who is my age, has lived-in his mother’s home for the past 10 years. He first moved in to help her take care of his father who had been diagnosed with a progressive, fatal disease. His father eventually passed away. My friend chose to stay in the home to help his mother, who was now over 75 and alone for the first time in her life.
At least that’s the story he tells me. I’m not sure his mother sees it the same way.
Today, 5 years after his father died and 10 years since he moved into his mother’s home, my friend has been frustrated by his mother’s resistance to following his directions regarding her health and daily activities.
She’s now into her 80s and has had some of the health problems common to women her age – falls, balance issues, chronic conditions etc.
My friends biggest complaint is that “My mother won’t do what I tell her to do – even though it is for her own good!”
He is certain he knows best.
I am aware that my friends situation with his mother is not uncommon. Stories abound about adult children trying to care for elderly parents and keeping them safe in their waning years. I won’t say I know all about it because I haven’t experienced it directly. I’ve read about it. I’ve known families dealing with it. I’ve observed elderly neighbors trying to maintain their independence and stay in their home and driving as long as possible.
It’s a crappy situation.
My mother is in her late 70s. I’ve encouraged her many times over the past decade to downsize from an ill-suited multistory home to an apartment or condo which would be much easier to live in and care for. She’s got a multitude of health and mobility issues that limit her ability to care for herself and her home. As for driving – well, put it this way – I refuse to ever get in a car with her driving again. The last time I did was years ago when she drove up the wrong side of a clearly marked road and almost caused a head on collision. Her eyesight, reflexes and driving ability are frightening.
I tried to discuss this with her, but she refuses – just like with any attempt to discuss downsizing, personal care, assistance, etc.
And so what I have done is give up. I’ve accepted that my mother doesn’t want my advice, nor will she follow it.
She lived 78 years without taking directions from me, so why would she suddenly do so now?
Which is exactly what I said to my friend about his mother. His mother has done just fine without his advice for over 80 years.She doesn’t want his advice. I’m not sure she even needs it.
The same is true for my mother and me.
I’m not sure that we, the adult children are right. Even if we are, it doesn’t matter.
I put myself in our mothers’ shoes. If my kid tried to tell me how to live my life , there’s no way I’d listen.
Running my mother’s life is not my business. It’s hers. She will make her choices and will live with the consequences.
I told my friend the same thing for his mother.
Our mothers’ lives are there business – not ours.
I do know of families where it’s different. They were very close, moved their parents into their homes and lived together as an extended family where support, love and cooperation was mutual, welcome and accepted. I even saw this with my own extended family when I was very young.
If you have this, I think it’s wonderful. If you don’t, you might have to mind your own business like I do.