When I was a little kid, my Aunt Essie babysat me all the time. She was actually my great aunt (in every sense of the word). Essie never married. She was a retired school teacher who lived in her family home with two brothers, Uncle Bob (a lifelong bachelor) and Uncle Russ (a widower).
I loved hanging out with Essie. She was a fantastic cook, an excellent mother stand-in and a fun person to hang out with. Essie taught me how to cook, to clean, to do dishes, to do laundry, to play cards, to socialize, to identify plants in the woods and so much more.
Essie used to say to me, “You’ll make a great bachelor someday…don’t ever get married.”
When we moved away from my hometown and entire family when I was 7, my biggest loss was Essie. Even though I stayed with her every summer and visited over the holidays when I could, it was never enough for me.
In my new town, I found solace in books. I read nearly everything I could get my hands on. Looking back, I realize that I was always drawn to comics, books and TV shows that had a strong man as the main character. That man was always a loner.
If I wanted to go down a rathole of self-analysis, I’d say of course I was drawn into stories about men who were rugged individualists who had confidence, physical strength and autonomy. As a scared boy, with a single mother in a strange town, I craved security, safety and reliability – none of which I had.
Maybe that’s true.
Or maybe, I just liked my heroes to be loners.
Here’s what my heroes had in common.
- They were physically strong and agile.
- They had friends, usually long term and close, but spent much time alone.
- They usually had a woman (or women) who liked/loved them, but the men were dedicated to a life alone. They never lived with a woman for more than a few weeks nor did they ever consider marriage.
- They worked hard, but most often for themselves or as a freelancer.
- They were smart.
- They spoke less than others – only speaking when they had something meaningful to say.
- They were content to pursue an unconventional life outside the norms of society.
- They were never wealthy, but generally had enough to be satisfied.
- They had obstacles and tragedies in their past which shaped them.
- They were resilient.
- They were kind.
- They were direct.
I used these fictional men as role models for how to become a man. My father had disappeared from my life when I was 5. My stepfather, despite having some good traits, was not someone I wanted to emulate. There were no other men in my life to look up to.
Now that I myself am a middle aged man, living as a loner, I am grateful that I found these heroes. I could have had much worse role models.