Everything I do, I do with intensity. I’m wired this way. At school, I wanted to make straight A’s and be the #1 scholar. Anything less than 100% perfect scores was intolerable to me. At work, I drove myself to outwork, out hustle and overdeliver. I wanted to be known as “the go to guy”. In life, I rarely did things half-assed. I dedicated myself to being a committed husband and provider. I spent many of my waking hours focused on health and fitness. I scrimped and saved for over a decade to get out of debt and establish some financial stability.
Now that I’m single, retired and live a simple life, the intensity is still here. Some of my goals have changed, but the intensity with which I pursue them hasn’t.
I’d like to be seen as a nonchalant dude who is easygoing and relaxed. I’m not. I’m only nonchalant about things I don’t care about like keeping up with the Joneses, social media, fashion and fame.
If I care about something, I’m laser focused, obsessed and determined.
No wonder college sucked for me. I approached it like a job and a mission. Today I hear stories from people who loved college. For them it was like a 4 or 5 year vacation and party. It wasn’t for me. I loaded up on Honor’s courses, packed my schedule from 5AM -7PM five days a week and of course, was only satisfied with A’s (which I didn’t always get).
No wonder my dating experiment this year wasn’t fun. My idea of dating is establishing an intense, close, honest, relationship with a woman where we both feel strong attract and deep love. That’s a lot to put on someone who’s idea of dating might be far more casual.
No wonder I enjoy solitude. When I am alone, I can be as intense as I want to be (or am driven to be). I don’t have to feign interest in activities that I don’t enjoy or invest my energy in people whose values/goals/interests are opposed to mine.
Sometimes I think I am just an a$$hole who is set in his ways and uncompromising. Sometimes I probably am.
But I have no plans to attempt to moderate my intensity. It’s who I am.