My first two days of using Hinge and Bumble for online dating has been a learning experience. It’s been different than what I had anticipated.
After swiping past hundreds of unappealing profiles, I’ve gotten efficient at it. I take no pleasure in sifting through woman after woman only to be “rewarded” with an occasional candidate.
I’d rather be presented with nobody or with one or two people a week. I have to think I can’t be the only user to think this way. But the app designers, behavioral specialists and marketing statisticians at these companies must have built the apps this way on purpose. It does become a mind numbingly kind of additive behavior. Swiping and swiping and swiping to get that rare random “hit”.
I have zero plans to research this or even to read the reddit subforum threads on the apps, the user experience and the pluses & minuses.
Already my exposure online and in “dating” MGLN, has led me to conclude a few things about finding possible matches:
- Distance matters to me – I began with the default settings of up to 50 miles away. Within a few minutes I dropped this to 30 miles. By day two, I dropped it to 15 miles. I’m not going to make a 60 mile round trip to date someone. If anything got serious, I’d be on the road for 1-3 hours a day. (One of my friends suggested I expand it to woman in other cities since I’m retired and have flexibility in my schedule. I laughed. I have zero interest in a long distance relationship.)
- Physical attraction is a must – If I’m not attracted to a woman, I’m not going to ask her out for a date. It’s clear from the pictures that some women are using filters, old photos (and sometimes what appears to be other people!) in their profile pictures. I’ll scan all the photos to see if I feel anything. If I don’t, there’s no point in reaching out. I understand that not everyone (me included) photographs well which means I will miss out on people. That’s inevitable.
- No kids – I wanted children when I was younger and I got them. I became an instant stepfather of 2 when I met my wife. Although she told me she felt bad that she couldn’t give me my “own” babies, I never felt that way. I loved the kids and did my best as a stepfather. But there’s no way I want to repeat this. I’m not willing to make the committment of time, energy and focus that I feel is neccessary to be a good parent. Been there. Done that.
- Interesting, Intelligent, Intriguing, Artistic, Creative, Challenging, Quirky – It’s hard for these attributes to be expressed in a few lines of an app profile. But these are deal breakers for me. I’m sure there are plenty of kind, sweet single women who just want a normal, average life that is fulfilling, secure and comfortable. I want that but much more.
- Health, fitness, energy level – I am highly active. Health, fitness, diet and activity are interwoven throughout my day. I don’t expect to find someone to match my levels here, but she’s got to be into health & fitness vs. leisure & passivity.
Last year, when I was whining about my second hernia surgery to my friend Bruce he said,
“In terms of health and fitness, you’re probably in the top 1%. That doesn‘t make you better or worse than other people – just different. Your diet, your exercise routines and your health focus is more intense, focused and dedicated than the average person’s. By definition, you are a weirdo.“
He was saying this in an attempt to assuage my concerns about a prolonged recovery and getting myself back into peak condition.
But it struck me. He was right.
Now I realize my 1% niche includes much more than health and fitness. And so in dating, I am going to holdout for my 1%.
Hot. Attractive. Engaging. Weird. Unconventional. Secure. Independent. Kind. Funny. Healthy. Fit. Thin. Witty. Articulate.
I know there are some single women out there who are like this. Both my wife and MGLN were this way. You could say they spoiled me, reduced my odds of finding someone else, or ruined me by setting a high bar.
I think not.
I don’t need to date a lot of women. I only need to date the right one for me.
As for online dating going forward, I’ll be doing my best to limit myself to the 1%.