Snickers, my 14 year old puppy, has been showing her age more every day. When we first adopted her in 2009, she was a runner. We thought she might have greyhound or whippet in her because she was lightning fast. She was so fast and full of energy, that after I walked her and my little old man, Shortie, together, I would hop on my bike so Snickers could race beside me for a few blocks. It was the only way I could almost keep up with her.
She was super playful from day one. The moment we brought her into the house, she sniffed Shortie, then ran over to pick up his plush hamburger toy, squeak it and drop it at my feet to throw. Then she brought it right back for another throw!
I was so excited. I always wanted a fetching dog. When I grabbed her frisbee she’d growl and then freeze, poised in her “ready, set, go” stance and then take off like a bullet to snatch it from the air.
I called her my little Mexican Jumping Bean because she’d bounce around on her hinds legs greeting me with joy whenever I came home from work. She’d also pop up on her hind legs like a Meerkat frequently to look out the window, eyeball a squirrel or confirm that my wife’s car just pulled up the driveway.
Snickers was a fantastic walking companion. She enjoyed walks and was good on the leash from the very start. Up until she was around 6, she’d walk three times a day for miles.
I loved walking with her. My favorite memories are of evening walks with me, Snickers and Ellen. Sometimes we’d stroll through our neighborhood. But most evenings, we’d hop in the car to visit a park, the lake or simply a different neighborhood. We’d meander leisurely along letting Snickers sniff and pee to her heart’s content. We’d talk. We’d check out the flora and fauna. We’d point out squirrels, lizards, dogs, and ducks to Snickers. Afterward, we’d drive to a restaurant and pickup takeout for dinner – being sure to share some bites with Snickers during the ride home. Afterwards, we’d feed Snickers in the kitchen before she joined us on the sofa for games with her treats. Then we’d all settle in to watch TV and chill.
Those evenings are a highlight of my life. The walks got shorter as Snickers got older. But she was always eager to “go for a ride” in the car with us and explore new territories. She was a great riding companion.
In the second half of her life, I watched her slowly transform from a high-energy, playful and active dog to a less active, but happy senior dog.
After my wife died, Snickers gave me a reason to live. There were many times when I was so overwhelmed with grief that I wanted to give up and kill myself. But I couldn’t, because Snickers was counting on me to take care of her.
During my two month off-grid life on the road, Snickers was my loyal companion and partner. She endured tediously long driving days without complaint. She gave me a reason to make frequent pit stops and to walk around to check out an area, no matter how urgently I felt we had to get moving. She handled living on the road much better than me – with grace, charm and calm acceptance. She was content to ride perched up on her dog bed in my truck or to lie beside the camper in the shade keeping me company 24×7.
Still, I know she was felt better when we returned to civilization to settle in Raleigh. Both of us welcomed sleeping in a real bed, having heat and AC, and being able to get out of the elements. I was happy I came to my senses and could once again provide her with a safe and comfortable home and routine.
A year after my wife died, I was ready to adopt a second dog. I always like having two dogs. I thought a companion would be good for me and Snickers. She’d have a friend and I’d have a partner for the long walks that Snickers could no longer handle.
I adopted Wiggles a month before the pandemic. Snickers accepted her right away though she wasn’t thrilled with her. Wiggles was loud and clumsy. She ran around crashing into Snickers like a bowling ball. By this time, Snickers was 11, less agile and more fragile with arthritis and old age. It was a little chaotic for a while.
Nonetheless, we figured it out. We created routines so that both dogs got the love and attention they needed, while I “shielded” Snickers from Wiggles’ overzealous energy.
As a trio, we’d do short, meandering walks together. Then I’d drop Snickers off to nap in the sun while Wiggles and I would finish up with a long hike.
These last four years, Snickers mostly enjoyed mealtime, sleeping and sunbathing.
She only wanted to walk short distances -sometimes for just a few minutes. Some
If it was cold or rainy, she’d rather stay huddled up under a blanket and only visit the yard for a bathroom break. That was fine with me. I was happy to give her a comfortable, easy senior life.
I figured we’d go on like this for years. I read about small senior dogs who lived to 16, 18, and even 20!
As long as Snickers was eating OK, drinking OK , pooping OK and didn’t appear to be in any pain, I’d make her life whatever she needed it to be.
A few months ago, I noticed Snickers was slower to respond when I called her. I assumed she was losing her hearing and her eyesight, like Shortie did in his older years.
Then, more recently, I noticed in the morning she’d be excited and barking for breakfast as usual, but she wouldn’t be in the kitchen next to me urging me to hurry up. Instead, she was in the bedroom, the bathroom or my walk-in closet. I’d have to go get her and lead her out to the kitchen once the food was ready.
I thought to myself – her eyesight is getting really bad. She doesn’t even know she’s in the closet.
Then she started getting stuck.
She’d face a corner and bark and bark and bark – at nothing.
She’d go into the closet and be unable to find her way out – even though the door was wide open and there was nothing on the floor to block her way.
She got stuck in my bathroom behind the toilet until I went in to lead her out.
I thought to myself – she’s confusing the bathroom or closet for the kitchen, it must be her cataracts.
Then she stopped sleeping through the night.
It started a few months ago. She wake up three or more times and pace around the room. I’d wake up to let her out. Prior to this, she always slept all night long burrowed under the covers until I woke her. I thought to myself – she’s old and probably can’t hold her pee as long anymore. Neither can I.
Then, seemingly overnight it got worse until she was waking up 10+ times every night. She’d jump into my bed, then jump down moments later. She’d pace to her bed, then to the water bowl, then to the door then back. She’d stand over the water bowl and stare at it, sometimes attempting to drink and sometimes seemingly baffled by how to take a drink.
I’d get up and let her outside at least 4-5 times a night, figuring she had an urgent need to use the bathroom. Sometimes she did. Other times she’d step outside, look confused and come back in. I’d turn on the lights so she could see better and try to get her to cuddle with me under the covers so she’d go back to sleep. I was constantly worried with her jumping up and down of of my bed because her legs would go out from under her sometimes when she landed and many times, she’d miss when trying to jump up. So I was on alert for any sound of her moving around so I could lift her up and down.
Then, she had a few accidents in the house for the first time ever.
I wasn’t mad. I cleaned it up and was even more diligent about jumping out of bed when she was pacing. After all, I thought to myself – she’s an old dog and probably can’t hold it as long anymore.
I was planning ask my vet about her inability to sleep because it had reached a point when none of us were getting much sleep at night. Nothing I did comforted her. She couldn’t rest more than a few minutes before getting up and pacing around again.
Plus, once I’m awake, I’m up. So I starting taking afternoon naps and going bed immediately after dinner I am attempt to get a few hours of sleep. Waking at 1:30AM, especially after hours of jumping up every time my poor little girl can’t stop pacing, was a little early even for me.
Snickers has been going to the vet every month to have her anal glands expressed, nails trimmed and medications refilled for years. The last 3-4 times she went, the vet techs told me they couldn’t trim her nails because she was so anxious they were worried about her heart. I was pissed. I thought to myself- it’s because the vet techs were new and inexperienced. After all, Snickers has been getting this done every month for nearly a decade with no problems.
All of this seemed to snowball in the past month. More accidents in the house. Major anxiety at the vets. Getting stuck in the corner, the closet, the wrong room. Anxiety at home – especially in the night. Up 10+ times in the night and inconsolable.
So I googled “dog dementia” just to see if this was even a thing or if I was crazy.
It is a thing.
It’s called canine cognitive dysfunction. It’s similar to Alzheimer’s in humans. It’s fucking awful.
There is no cure.
There are medications that may help alleviate some symptoms. People report their dogs sleeping through the night once again, seeming to be more cognizant of their surroundings and less anxious. But eventually (within weeks or months) they decline.
They start walking into walls. They forget how to drink water. They go to the bathroom everywhere because they no longer recognize inside vs outside. They forget what they are doing. Their anxiety levels go up and up (hence the pacing, night terrors and inability to be consoled). Many of the dogs get injured. They fall on stairs. They slip on floors. They injure their face from banging into the wall repeatedly. I read stories of dogs who broke legs & jaws from falling down from a standing position.
Eventually the owners put their beloved dog to sleep after trying everything – medications, diapers, penning the dog in, pet sitters, IVs, behavioral training and homeopathic remedies. Until finally, it’s too much for the owner and the dog.
And just like that, a few days ago, my entire world collapsed when I realized what was happening to Snickers and what was coming. I could not let her suffer like that. I arranged for Lap of Love to come to my house to put her to sleep.
I refused to extend the worst part of her life, only to give myself more time with her. I could not do that to her.
My heart is broken. My little bean. My baby.
We’d been together every day for the last 14 years.
We’d gone on more than 10,000 walks.
We lived in two states, three houses, one camper and spent a few weeks in hotel rooms.
We made it through 2 hurricanes.
We relied on each other during good times and bad.
We shared our love with 4 cats & 2 dogs.
We leaned on each other during my wife’s multiple surgeries, 2 bouts with cancer and her eventual death.
We drove 10,000 miles together across the entire country.
We camped in the wild. We slept in truck stops, mountains, deserts and forests.
We hiked the deserts, the mountains, the woods and the suburban sidewalks.
Snickers was the best dog I ever had. Once it was because she was so high energy, so sweet and so playful. Then later it was because she was so dependable and easy. And even later it was because she taught me how to love her gently and patiently as she grew to become my Little Old Lady.
I owed it to her to end her life before it got worse, no matter how sad I was to let her go.
My heart is broken.
I will always miss her.
Snickers was euthanized by Lap Of Love today in my home. She passed peacefully. She will no longer be afraid, anxious, confused or in pain again.
