My wife was diagnosed with lung cancer 7 months ago.
It’s been pretty terrible ever since.
She had surgery to remove the lower lobe of her lung including a large tumor.
She had two sessions of chemotherapy.
She had 10 days in a row of radiation.
She had 5 months of worsening back pain as the result of metastasized cancer in her lower spine.
She had more than 40 doctor appointments, tests, treatments and hospital visits.
And it keeps getting worse.
This wasn’t what I expected.
I thought she’d have more good days.
I thought she’d have a few months of treatment then many more months as she recovered and got better.
Instead, with the exception of a few days, she’s spent the last 6 months in bed suffering from intense pain, extreme exhaustion or both.
We were told that removing her left lower lung lobe could cure her cancer.
It didn’t. Instead the surgery revealed that it had spread to at least one lymph node.
We were told that chemotherapy would attack and kill any cancer that was undetected.
It didn’t. We now know the cancer had spread undetected to her spine before the chemo started.
We were told radiation would relieve her pain and shrink or kill the tumor in her spine.
It did and for that we are grateful. What we weren’t told was that her pain would get worse through the radiation and continue for a month longer. Nor were we told that the radiation (and pain and cancer) would give her such extreme exhaustion that she wouldn’t be able to hold her head up, eat or stand up unassisted for weeks.
We didn’t know a lot.
We didn’t know that she’d need a cane, then a walker and finally a wheelchair.
We didn’t know she’d have 3-5 medical appointments each week for months.
We didn’t know she’d lose her appetite even after chemo was suspended.
We didn’t know her hands would shake uncontrollably, her voice would fade, her eyesight would get worse or that she’d become confused and forgetful.
I didn’t think I would be so helpless to relieve her pain and suffering.
Then last week, she found a lump in her breast.
Her doctor wants this looked at by a surgeon and he ordered tests to scan her entire body for more cancer.
She now has 5 new hospital visits scheduled for consultations, scans and tests.
I’m afraid the worst is yet to come.
In two weeks, we’ll know if the cancer has spread to her breast, her brain and other parts of her body.
Based on her condition, I suspect that is the case.
All the news we seem to get is bad.
In March 2018, my wife and I were happily enjoying our lives together. In an instant, our lives were turned upside down.
She has Stage 4 Lung Cancer. It’s spreading rapidly. It’s terminal and will kill her.
I am hoping that chemotherapy can increase the “quality and length” of my wife’s life like the oncologist has told us. I’m hoping she doesn’t have to suffer through a lot of fruitless treatments, surgeries and side effects.
Right now, I’m not feeling very grateful.
But I am grateful that we are near our son Zack.
I’m grateful that I saved enough money that I can care for my wife in her time of need.
I’m grateful for the many wonderful years we had together.
I’m grateful she’s still alive.
I’m grateful that I’m able to sit by her side.
I cherish those occasional moments when she flashes her big smile and laughs with me (or even at me).
It’s a joy when she’s feeling well enough to enjoy eating dinner with me and Zack.
My heart lifted when she went to the park with me to walk the dog for the first time in months and she just closed her eyes, lifted her face up to the sun and said, “that breeze feels wonderful”.
So many things I once thought were so important are just not anymore.
My wife is my one true love. Seeing her suffer is almost unbearable.
I’m devastated at the thought of losing her and living the rest of my life without her.
But it’s coming.
I’ve got nothing else to say right now.