When I was a younger man, a sizable portion of my time was spent doing things I did not want to do.
Sometimes these were obligations that I could not get out of – like sitting in class day after day and hour after hour waiting for the rest of my classmates to catch up to the work I had completed. Or going to church, which was a mandatory weekly torture session of boredom until I discovered I could sneak out and go light fires in the alleyway instead.
Other times, these were things I thought I was “supposed to do” – like join my friends little league team when his father cajoled me into it, even though I hated baseball or help my sister move multiple times because that’s what “a good brother does” despite the fact that during every move, I was subjected to a constant stream of insults, scorn and derision from her.
Worse were quasi-social work obligations – this included all team building events, happy hours, most dinners and the “supposed to be fun” activities like dodgeball and paintball.
There were plenty of social activities throughout my life that I attended out of obligation, guilt or peer pressure. Going to nightclubs, dancing to try to pick up women, most parties, concerts, sporting events, etc. It seemed like some people loved these. For me, with rare exceptions, being around a bunch of loud strangers was awkward and stressful instead of enjoyable.
This never happens anymore for one simple reason.
I say “No.”
I no longer feel obligated to provide an excuse. I don’t make up white lies to make it “easier” for someone to understand why I am declining.
I say “No”.
But I always thank them for the invitation and for thinking of me.
If it is someone whom I have more regular contact, I might offer a brief explanation with my real reason along the lines of, “I don’t go to parties because I am quite introverted and don’t like to hang out with strangers” or “That’s really sweet of you to invite me, but I would never join you at a concert. I don’t like crowds or loud noise.”
When I was younger and less confident in myself, I’d say “maybe” or “I’ll try”. Sometimes I would go, after agonizing days or weeks of dreadticipation. Or, I’d weasel out and feel like a putz when I called last minute with some lame excuse about my wife’s health or my dog getting injured or other fabricated “emergency”.
Life is so much easier this way.
One thing I’ve learned in the last few years is to decline immediately when I receive the invitation. That way, I don’t spend any brain cycles ruminating for a few days, trying to convince myself that it will be fun, that I “should” expand my social life, that if I decline I may never get invited again, yada, yada, yada.
If you struggle with this, I recommend reading Harry Browne’s Book, How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World.
Some of his principles, I discovered on my own and a few were new to me. All have had a strong influence on how I live today.