Ever since I ended my dating experiment last year, I have become more and more entrenched in single life. Whenever I think about dating someone, I immediately get an ache in my stomach and a feeling of dread at the thought of all the changes I’d have to make in my life:
- Give up my extensive workouts that consume much of my day.
- Go to bed and wake up at normal (reasonable) times instead of my current dusk/early AM routine.
- Change my diet.
- Spend less time with the dogs.
- Do things I don’t want to do – concerts, dining out, travel, etc.
Ugh. No thanks.
I loved being married. I adored my wife and being with her all the time. The life we created together was wonderful and much more “normal” than the one I have today.
But she is gone. And I am not the person I was when I met her 34 years ago. Nor am I the person I was when we were together.
The compromises and choices I made then were deliberate and right at that time.
I would never make them today.
For a while after my wife died, I told myself and those close to me that I wasn’t actively looking for someone to marry, but that I was open to falling in love again if the opportunity came up (aka I found the right person).
I can’t say that with confidence anymore – to my friends or to myself.
I am pretty far down the “no way/ not interested” end of the spectrum.
What is wonderful about this is that nearly all of my interactions with women are completely stress free because I never consider any of them as possible romantic partners.
Sure, if I see a beautiful women I am attracted to her. I appreciate big smiles, warmth and attention. But I’m as “off the market” as I was when I was married.
I had several loves in my life. Each was wonderful in her own way. I think that was enough to last me for the rest of my life. I don’t have a longing for love and I don’t feel incomplete as a single man.
It is a freedom I never wanted, but one I am really appreciating.